The Words I Meant To Say
by Smashtastic
Summary: Will 'Hit List' be the making of them, or the death of them?
1. Chapter 1

PROLOGUE

"Derek, Derek?" Her breathing was laboured and her words barely above a whisper.

"I'm here sweetheart, just don't try to talk" Derek said, one arm cradling her as his other hand was pressed against the wound in her chest, desperately trying to stem the blood that was flowing out of her, causing her to slip further and further away from him.

"Please Derek, I, I"

"sssshhhh sweetheart" Derek interrupted. "Don't try and talk now. We can have this conversation tomorrow when you're feeling up to it."

He gave her a reassuring wink and smile, but the truth was he was terrified. Terrified of what she might be trying to say, and as he felt the life slipping away from her he knew right then that he wouldn't be able to live with knowing that her last words could confirm what he had always feared.

This way was better. This way he could let himself believe that just maybe she was going to tell him that she felt the same way about him that he did about her. That she needed him, loved him ... was in love with him.

"Derek the paramedics are here. You need to let them take care of Karen now." It was Julia. "Derek? You need to let them help her!"

"I don't think I can" he whispered.

Karen was growing very still in his arms. Her eyes were slowly closing but they were locked on Derek's, a mixture of fear and acceptance. He softly kissed her forehead and as she drifted into unconsciousness he whispered into her ear the only words he could find to say.

"I know."

And then he let her go.

To be continued ...


	2. Chapter 2

2 MONTHS EARLIER ...

How many drinks had she had? 5, 6, she was losing count. She didn't care. Right now all she wanted to do was erase the memories of tonight's events and drink was most definitely helping. She felt so stupid, ashamed even. She'd been acting like a brat and had driven away those who cared about her the most. The people she cared about the most ... Ana, Derek. And all for what? Jimmy of all people!

She'd known deep down that he couldn't be saved, that he couldn't change, that he didn't really want to change. But somehow she'd kept going back for more. She was drawn to him she couldn't deny it. He had that 'something'. That thing that would turn teenage girls' hearts a flutter, and she had most definitely been acting like a pathetic lovesick high-schooler around him.

Maybe she was rebelling. I mean, she'd had the perfect boyfriend, and look how that turned out. Good, safe, caring Dev had ended up being a cheating scumbag, so why not go for the bad boy. She drained her glass and cursed herself. Why did she have to give her heart away so easily. And why couldn't she pick a guy who respected her for a change. Instead she'd gone for a guy who seemed to humiliate her at every turn, and as Jimmy had stood on that bar tonight laying into her and Kyle, her humiliation was complete. Anger coursed through her as she remembered his words.

"Another of what the hell it is I'm drinking please" she slurred, as the barman walked past.

"You sure are on a mission tonight miss!" he laughed as he started preparing the drink.

"Yeah well, it is a Tuesday night after all" she quipped.

She thought about what Jimmy had said. "I'd like to thank Karen for stringing along her director." What the hell was that supposed to mean? She'd never asked anything of Derek. She hadn't slept with him to get the role. She'd told him straight when he'd told her he liked her that she was with someone. How dare Jimmy say she'd been stringing him along!

Ugh, what did she care anyway. Her and Derek weren't exactly on the friendliest of terms right now. Wait scrap that, they were barely even talking to each other. Ever since he'd opened his heart to her he'd been acting like a petulant teen, and she hadn't been much better. She cringed when she remembered calling him a "jealous old man." She knew she should apologise but she was angry. Angry that he could seemingly dismiss their friendship so easily.

Had he really only there for her these past few months because he wanted to sleep with her? She thought their relationship ran deeper than that, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe he really was just as bad as the rest of them. Dev. Jimmy. She'd just thought that he was different. She knew for certain she'd have never have gotten through Boston without him.

derek had been her rock in those weeks after the Dev/Ivy fallout, and they'd formed this bond she thought had run deeper than just lust, or physical attraction. And she refused to look at Derek like that. She wouldn't let herself. She'd seen what his wanton disregard for women did to those around him. She thought of Ivy, and knew only too well. Yet with her, he had seemed different. He was different! Derek seemed to respect her. After that "casting couch" night he'd never once tried anything with her again, and Karen was grateful for it. Not that she didn't find him attractive. Not that she wasn't drawn to him. Of course she was. She just didn't want to be another notch on his bedpost. Another woman Derek would discard in the morning like it was nothing. So she revelled in the their 'platonic' relationship. She didn't really know what it was that Karen and Derek had together, but it had made her feel safe, having him in her corner.

A pang of sorrow shot through her when she realised anything her and Derek had had was now in the past, probably lost forever. The producers weren't biting and with a Broadway move for Hit List looking unlikely she knew that someone like Derek wouldn't stick around for long, and he wouldn't be taking Karen with her this time. She'd put paid to that during their fallout a few weeks back. She didn't know why but it was this thought that upset her more than anything. Not Jimmy's actions tonight, but the fact that Derek was slipping away from her. She'd missed him these past few weeks.

"Karen get a grip" she mumbled to herself, drunkenly oblivious of the figure who had just seated himself next to her at the bar.

"Exactly what Jimmy should have done to you during Amanda's death scene love!"

It was Derek. Karen spun around. The last person she expected to see was the person she had just decided was the reason she was feeling like this, and suddenly all her defensive instincts kicked in .

"What do you want Derek? As you can see, I'm busy."

Derek smirked at Karen. "I can see that. I suggest after the vodka cokes you move onto the scotch. It's the best friend I've ever had."

"What did the poor scotch ever do to deserve that?" Karen deadpanned.

Derek raised his eyebrow, a smile forming. "This is your director speaking right now, but I think we need to get you home" Derek said, reaching to grab Karen's arm.

"Oh you'd love that wouldn't you. I'm a much easier lay when I've got 10 drinks inside of me. And we all know that's the only reason you're here right now."

"Karen, that's not"

"Oh leave it Derek" Karen interrupted. "What is it with all the men in my life."

Derek raised an eyebrow, a flash of anger ran across his face. "Suit yourself sweetheart."

He let go of her, got up off the stool, and started to walk away. He gestured to the barman on his way out, and threw a bunch of notes on the bar.

"Do me a favour mate. Stick her in a taxi and make sure she gets home okay?"

"Of course" the barman nodded.

And with that Derek was gone. Karen buried her head in her hands. Why did she always have to ruin everything. She was an idiot. She finally looked up. The room was spinning.

"Barman? A glass of your finest scotch please!"


	3. Chapter 3

He shouldn't have left her there, Derek knew that. But she was just so infuriating. Didn't make him feel any better though. He'd left the girl he cared for more than anyone else propping up some bar to drown her sorrows by herself. And he knew Karen. She wasn't the type to get so obliterated for no reason. He just wished the reason could have been him, and not Jimmy Collins! He was no good for her. He reached for his phone, found the number of the bar and dialled.

"Oh hi. I was at the bar the bar an hour or so ago. Just wanted to make sure the girl that was emptying your vodka bottles made it home okay?"

"Yeah I made sure she got home don't worry sir" the barman chuckled! "My whiskey bottles have taken a serious hit too!"

Derek laughed at the thought. "Well thanks again, I appreciate it."

He hung up and wandered into the kitchen, and poured himself yet another large scotch. He needed to sort this, one way or another. The past couple of weeks had been hell. He hadn't wanted to lose Karen's friendship that day he confessed his feelings, and she confessed she was seeing Jimmy, but his pride had taken a hit, he wasn't going to lie, and he acted out in the only way he knew how. Like a petulant kid.

He was Derek Wills, and for so long he'd been used to getting everything he wanted, that when he couldn't have very thing he wanted more than anything, he acted out. He knew he'd been treating Karen like crap. A mixture of ignoring her and giving her his full Dark Lord director treatment, and it had mean't their relationship had crumbled. And he was happy to let Karen think that the changes he made to Hit List - making Ana's role bigger - had something to do with his bitterness. Maybe it had in a way, he wasn't sure. The changes made the show better, but a part of him wanted to hurt her, like her rejection had hurt him.

Everything had snowballed from there. Karen retaliated by shoving her relationship with Jimmy in his face, and acting out in rehearsal, which just resulted in Derek doing the same. So here he was, sitting alone in his apartment wondering how it had all gone so wrong.

Boston seemed so long ago now. Back then, when he had comforted an angry and distraught Karen she had needed him then, but he'd needed her too. They had found comfort in each other. Derek thought of the times He would take a sobbing Karen in his arms and tell her everything would be okay. He was helping her put herself together again, but the truth was, he had never felt more complete himself than in those moments.

But now she didn't need him like that. Jimmy was the one she turned to for comfort, and ironically right now he was the reason she was needing it. The more his and Karen's relationship disintegrated, the more she reached out for Jimmy, and more often than not, she made sure Derek knew about it.

A sudden pang of anger coursed through Derek's body. He downed his scotch in one and poured himself another as he reached out for his phone. Scrolling through the numbers he stopped at one, and pressed 'dial'.

"Derek, this better be good?" A woman's voice answered.

"You know it's always good no matter what the time darling" Derek smirked.

Arrangements made, he sank back into the sofa. He'd regret this in the morning, but right now, he didn't care.


	4. Chapter 4

Omg, what was wrong with her? Her head felt like it was stuck in a vice, and a feeling of nausea overwhelmed her. Where the hell even was she? Karen cracked open an eyelid and looked around. Oh thank god, she was on her sofa. She had no idea how she even got home, but she knew last night hadn't been pretty.

Everything had gotten a little hazy after Jimmy had decided to ruin everyone's night, and she had decided to attack the bar. Oh god, she didn't even like vodka! The thought made her retch, and she stumbled off the sofa and into the bathroom, emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She sat there, practically hugging the toilet, trying to compose herself. She finally scraped herself off the floor and rinsed her mouth out.

"You look like crap" she said to herself, staring at her reflection in the mirror.

She slowly made her way into the kitchen, poured herself a large glass of water and slumped back on the sofa. She'd had bad hangovers before but this might just be the worst. Her head felt like it was going to explode. She buried her head under the blanket and tried to will the pain away, but the throbbing in her head wouldn't quit. It felt like a woodpecker was inside her skull knocking away. Wait, that did actually sound like knocking. It took a good few moments for Karen to realise someone was knocking on her window, and immediately she knew who it was.

"Karen? Karen please just open the window, I have to talk to you."

This was the last thing she needed, especially feeling like this. But knowing Jimmy, he wasn't going to go away quietly, so she slowly made her way to the window and pulled it up. He was a mess.

"What are you doing Jimmy? You look terrible, did you even get any sleep?"

"I could say the same about you" Jimmy replied.

"Look, I just had to talk to you" "I'm pretty sure you said everything you needed to say to me last night" Karen said.

"I know I know, I'm a total ass. An A Class jerk. I always ruin everything. I told you that when you first met me. I'm so sorry Karen."

Karen shook her head. She didn't need this right now. The last thing she wanted to do was let Jimmy back into her life again. She'd been ready to open up her heart to him, but he hadn't kept up his end of the bargain. She sighed, an air of resignation in her voice, head pounding.

"Jimmy, I can't do this anymore. I just can't. Nothing's changed. Even if you wanted to change, you can't. And last night made that as clear as ever."

"Please Karen. Just tell me what I have to do to be the person you saw in me, because when you look at me like that I know that's who I really am." Jimmy looked at her, pleading almost, and Karen felt a twinge in her heart.

She cared about Jimmy, she always had, and she'd thought that maybe just maybe he could be the one, but he was no good for her, she knew that now. The time since the Bombshell opening night party had only reinforced to her that she couldn't go back, that Jimmy was her past. He'd acted like a complete jerk last night, of course he had, but she knew deep down he was a good person. She wouldn't have been with him if he wasn't, but sometimes he couldn't help let the darkness inside him take over. She didn't want to hurt him now.

"Jimmy. We're no good for each other" Karen said earnestly. "We both know it. I wish we were. There's nothing you can say anymore, I'm sorry."

Karen reached to take Jimmy's hand but he pulled away. He was hurting. Hurting and still probably high.

A flash of anger spread across his face. "You know you're just the same as the rest of them. Actually you're even worse. You let me believe that I could open my heart to you and tell you everything, and that it would all be okay."

"Jimmy, I..."

"Forget about it" Jimmy angrily interrupted. "Don't worry, you won't ever have to see or hear from me ever again."

And with that he was gone. Karen stood at the window, head in hands, and groaned. Her head couldn't cope with this right now. She just wanted this day to end already and it was only 6am!

"Was that Jimmy, Jesus Karen?!"

Karen span around to see Ana standing there a bemused look on her face.

"What can I say" Karen quipped. "I'm living my very own Romeo & Juliet, only this one is seriously messed up! Ugh, I've made a mess of everything!"

Ana looked at her friend and smiled. "No you haven't! You're just trying to find your feet in this crazy broadway world, and have just taken a few wrong turns here and there is all."

Karen looked at Ana. "Ana, I'm so sorry for the way I've been behaving. I was pissed at Derek and took it out on you, and you didn't deserve that. You know I think you're super talented, and I'm so proud of you in the show. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course I can" Ana replied, walking over to Karen and hugging her tightly. "Girl you know i'm here for you. I know you've been having a tough time recently, and I haven't exactly been making it easy for you either."

Karen released herself from Ana's hug, feeling the tears well up inside her, and looked at her friend.

"Thank you Ana" she whispered.

"You know what I think?" Ana suddenly said. "I think this might just be a good day for an emotional spring clean. You've just got one guy left and then you're done!"

"If you hadn't noticed, Jimmy and I are done already" Karen replied.

"I didn't mean Jimmy" said Ana, looking at Karen meaningfully. "I was talking about a certain temperamental English director who you're madly in love with but are just too stubborn to admit it."

"Wait, what, no!" Karen spluttered, panic in her voice.

A wry smile crept across Ana's face. "That's all I needed to know girl" she said, pushing a Karen towards the bathroom. "Now go get in that shower because, I never thought I'd say this, but you look horrific, and that's no way to look when you're going to tell a guy you love him!"


	5. Chapter 5

"Mmmm that was amazing" Ivy murmured, shifting herself so she was facing Derek, their bodies intertwined.

"We'll like I said darling, it's always good no matter the time" Derek smirked.

He really was fond of her. He was comfortable with her. He could be himself with her. He wished it could be enough.

They'd settled into an arrangement, he and Ivy. They satisfied each other's needs. There was a silent acknowledgement that when one of them called it was because they needed fulfilling. Sexually yes, but really it was to fill the emotional void.

"So what is it this time?" Ivy teased. "Or I should really say WHO is it this time?"

Derek laughed. "Darling, you always assume its about another woman! The only woman I care right now is lying naked in my bed."

He leaned in for a slow lingering kiss. Maybe he could love Ivy. It would be easier, he knew that.

... ... ... ... ...

"Hi Jeff" Karen said to the doorman as she walked into the lobby of Derek's apartment block.

She was trying to sound spritely but even talking was like an arrow through her skull.

"Miss Cartwight! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in a while." Jeff exclaimed.

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't have one killer hangover" Karen said.

Jeff laughed. "There's nothing I haven't seen before working in this place!" he winked at Karen.

karen smiled at Jeff. She somehow she knew he was referring to Derek, and didn't really want to know!

"Here, just go on up miss" Jeff said, releasing the sliding barrier to let her through.

"Thanks Jeff" Karen replied. "What would I do without you?!"

As soon as the elevator doors closed Karen started to panic. How had she let Ana talk her into this. She was so confused, she didn't know what she wanted. She didn't even know what she felt for Derek, only that she needed to make things right with him. he was all she could think about.

The ding of the elevator stirred her from her thoughts. Walking to Derek's door took an age, given the amount of times she kept backtracking. But she was here now right? And it wasn't as if their relationship could get any worse.

She tentatively pressed the doorbell, and waited. She realised she was shaking. No one answered, and it hadn't even occurred to her that Derek might not be in.

"Well I guess that's that" Karen sighed to no one in particular, turning back towards the elevator. Just then she heard the door behind her open and span back around to see a dishevelled Derek standing there, wearing grey sweats and white t-shirt, a look of surprise on his face.

"Well well well, if it isn't my favourite little drunkard, Karen Cartwright!" Derek smirked.

Karen laughed. "Just for the record, whiskey is the most disgusting drink in the world. I can't remember much about last night, but I do remember that!"

Derek smiled.

"Ummmm anyway, look, um I know I know it's early, and I'm really sorry to wake you, but I just really need to talk to you, and I figured if I didn't say it now I'd lose the courage. Please can I come in?"

Derek was hesitating. In fact he was looking decidedly uncomfortable. Karen knew this was a bad idea.

"Sorry, sorry, I knew this was not a good time, I'll leave you..." Karen started, but Derek interrupted her.

"Get inside Karen" Derek relented, moving aside to let her past, humour in his voice. "I assume this must be good if it got the most hungover young lady in New York out of bed!"

"Yeah well, Like I said, I'm blaming the whiskey!"

They both laughed. She walked through his door stopping just inside, and turned to look at him. He didn't say anything. Well this was awkward! He was making this hard for her. God he infuriated her sometimes. Suddenly this felt all too real to Karen, as if whatever she was about to say would somehow define her whole life. She was scared.

"Here's the thing" Karen finally said. "And don't you dare interrupt me Derek Wills until I've finished."

"I wouldn't dream of it" Derek replied, a smile on his face, holding his hands up in mock surrender.

"So the thing is" Karen began. "I first of all want to say I'm sorry. I've been acting like a total diva recently and I don't know what has gotten into me. Actually I do know, but there's no excuse. I know things have been shitty between us recently. And the truth is, the more I've been lashing out at you, the more I know now it was because I wasn't coping so well with losing the friendship we had. I'm so sorry Derek, I hope that you can forgive me?"

Karen paused. Did she really want to do this? Once said there was no going back. She moved closer to Derek, so they were in reaching distance of each other. He was staring back, and for the first time ever, she couldn't read him.

"I know you expanding Ana's role wasn't anything to do with me, or what you said to me those weeks back. I should know by now that your "artistic vision" stands in the way of no one!" she continued.

God, did she just air quote?! Derek raised his eyebrow, an amused look on his face.

"So, ummm, yeah, I had something else I wanted to say. That I need to say to you Derek. I , I, don't want what has happened to us recently to destroy our friendship, and when I say friendship, I was, um, er. Okay this isn't coming out right. The thing is ... Jimmy and I aren't together anymore. Not since Bombshell's opening night. And certainly not after last night" she laughed. "I've been acting like a fool around him, so much so that I lost sight of everyone else around me, especially you, and the truth is Derek"

Karen paused, and moved closer in towards Derek. He was breathing more rapidly now, staring at her, and instinctively she moved to put her hand on his chest.

"The truth is, I think maybe I lost sight of the one guy who could maybe be ... "

Her words were suddenly interrupted by the sound of a door slamming upstairs. What the hell was that?! She instantly realised, Derek wasn't alone. She was so stupid!

"Oh I'm sorry" she said, stepping away from Derek, eyes firmly on the ground. "I didn't realise you had company. I, I should go" She turned towards the door.

"Karen, wait" Derek pleaded. She stopped, trying to fight the tears welling up inside her. "Please finish what you were going to say. I can explain ..."

"Oh hi there Karen."

Karen spun around. Ivy! Karen was sinking. She turned back at Derek. He couldn't even look her in the eyes.

"It's okay Derek. No explanation needed" she said, voice trembling. "See you at the next rehearsal."

She practically ran out the door, frantically pressing the elevator button as if it would somehow know how badly she needed to get the hell out of there. She heard Derek calling after her, but she didn't look back.


	6. Chapter 6

"What was Karen doing here?"

Derek wasn't listening. He wanted to go after her, but what would he say? Karen was right. He didn't need to explain himself to her. They weren't seeing each other. They weren't even friends. But then why did he feel like he'd somehow done something wrong.

"Derek?"

"Sorry sweetheart" Derek said absentmindedly. "She was just dropping off some notes I'd asked her to read through for one of the Hit List songs."

"What, she couldn't just wait until rehearsal tomorrow?"

"Look I don't have to explain myself to you Ivy" Derek snapped, rushing upstairs. His head was spinning and he needed a cold shower to clear his head, to think clearly about what Karen had meant.

"The truth is, I think maybe I lost sight of the one guy who could maybe be ... "

Maybe what? The guy she wanted to be with? Not just as friends? He didn't want to allow himself to hope, but the signs were there. She'd put her hand on his chest and it took all his willpower not to sweep her into his arms right then. The way she'd looked at him with those gorgeous big brown eyes. There was so much longing and sincerity in them, and Karen was nothing if not sincere.

Now he'd gone and ruined it. He'd called Ivy because he'd needed someone to relieve the emptiness, and yet she was now the reason his life was going to remain empty. He didn't blame Ivy at all, of course he didn't. This was all his own doing. Why did he do this to himself? He was living up to his reputation that's for sure.

He'd made a decision a long time ago that he wouldn't open up his heart to anyone. Things just got messy that way. He only had to look at Karen and Jimmy's recent drama to see the evidence of that. And he justified the way he so went from woman to woman with such unfeeling abandonment by telling himself they were using him for their own needs, just as he was using them for his.

Karen was different though. She'd never once tried to use him, manipulate him. That first night in his apartment, when he'd made it known what he really wanted, she'd looked at him with almost disgust, and had then let him know in her own way that she would never put out for him. It had only made him want her more.

She was just a small town girl from Iowa, he knew that, but something about her fascinated him. Of course he'd be lying if he said he wasn't also ridiculously attracted to her beauty, but it was more than that. He loved how she was almost unaware of what a knockout she was. He found it adorable. She was just simply herself all the time, not trying to be anything other than what she was, at least not in her real life anyway.

He could read Karen like a book. She was nervous when she'd come over. This was a big deal to her, he could see that, and then when she saw Ivy, what was that look in her eyes? Disappointment? Or was it just disappointment in him? He needed to make this right. He had so many things he wanted to say to her, and more things he needed to hear from her. Not least he wanted to tell her that he accepted her apology. He owed her one himself, and he cursed himself for not being man enough to have done it already.

He turned the shower off and stood for a while, his head resting against the cold white tiles. Damn that Cartwright girl for making him feel this way. He'd speak to her tomorrow, at rehearsal. Once he'd had a chance to work out everything in his own head, and once Karen had had a chance to clear her own head.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Ana was in the bathroom when she heard the front door open and another door slam, and the fact that she back so soon didn't bode well. She wondered what could have happened. This wasn't the rom com ending she was hoping for. Derek likes Karen. Karen likes Derek but she just doesn't know it yet. Derek confesses his feelings for Karen. Karen turns him down. Karen realises Derek might just be the one she really loves. Karen confesses his feelings for Derek ... and then what?

"Karen? Can I come in girl? Your sniffs are disturbing the neighbours!"

He heard Karen laugh through her muffled sobs. "I look a mess"

"Girl, you're forgetting how bad you looked a few hours ago, I'm coming in!"

Karen was sitting on the bed, hugging a pillow, tears steaming. She hadn't seen a more pathetic but adorable sight in a long time. She jumped on the bed next to her and pulled her in for a bestie hug, soothing away the tears.

"So what happened?" she asked finally, reaching over to the side table to grab a tissue. On second thoughts she'd probably need the whole box!

"I saw him, and I apologised. I told him about Jimmy. Omg I even stroked his chest Ana!" Karen laughed, mortified. "And then I started to tell him how I really felt. I was just getting to the good bit ... and then Ivy appeared! I couldn't get out of there quick enough" Karen buried her head in the pillow, reliving the moment.

"Ivy?!" Ana exclaimed. "Are you seriously kidding me? Jesus, what is it with that girl sleeping with your guys. It's like she KNEW you were gonna rock up in the morning"

"I know right!" Karen laughed, emerging from the pillow. "But this isn't on her, and Derek doesn't owe me anything. It's not like we're seeing each other, or even friends right now. This is my stupidity at thinking that Derek could maybe change. Change for me. I've always known what a womaniser he is. Why should he act any differently around me. This is why I never allowed myself to think of him as anything other than a friend."

"Karen, you and me both know he's always been more than just a friend to you. It's like you're soulmates. I've seen the way you are around each other. There's this unspoken bond between you. You're both too close to it to see it yourself."

"Oh my god Ana, we seriously need to stop watching so many rom come! We're so full of so much romantic idealistic crap!" They both laughed.

"So what are going to do?"

"I don't know. It's going to be awkward as hell in rehearsal tomorrow, I know that. I think there are things that still need to be said, I don't know, but I don't even know what right now."

"We'll I've got your back girl, you know that!"

"Thanks Ana" Karen replied, grateful to have her best friend back again. She'd missed her.

"So it's our day off. What say we order in a day's worth of junk food, and binge on all our fave movies, steering clear of all romances and rom coms."

Ana smiled "Sounds like a plan girl. You get first dibs. What's it gonna be?"

"How about 'The Notebook'?"


	7. Chapter 7

"So how many women do you think Derek's slept with?"

"Oh my god Ana, and this is helping how exactly?!" Karen laughed.

"Just trying to break the tension. You've hardly said anything the walk over." Ana smirked.

"Yeah well, I'm just mentally preparing myself. Today is going to be horrible. Derek awkwardness, and then all the fallout from Jimmy's little bar top performance. Kyle's probably going to be a mess too. We did the right thing right?"

"You mean with Jimmy?"

Karen sighed. "Yeah. I know Kyle needed to do it, but this is Kyle! He's loved and supported Jimmy through worse things than this."

"Look, it was Kyle's choice to cut Jimmy off, but he needed us to tell him, because like you said, Jimmy would just worm his way back in again. And this is Kyle, it's not going to be forever. But right now this is the best thing for him. He needs time to go this alone... and its the best thing for Jimmy too. Besides, Kyle's probably been finding comfort in the arms of Tom!"

"Holy crap, I totally forgot about that!" Karen laughed. "Its probably why he hasn't answered any of my calls. What is it with the theater community?! We're like the most dysfunctional family ever! No wonder mom and dad get so worked up about me being here!"

"Girl, you wouldn't change it for anything!"

"That's true!" Karen laughed.

They made their way into the theater and dumped their bags in the breakout area, chatting to their fellow Hit Listers. Karen was nervous. She was grateful to Ana for taking her mind off everything, but she really didn't want to face Derek right now, even though she knew they still had things they needed to say.

"Ummm, can I have everyone's attention please."

Karen turned at the sound of Derek's voice, and the moment she saw him she knew something was wrong.

"Is everyone here? There's something I have to tell you all."

"Everyone except Kyle" Ana answered. "Oh and Jimmy, but I guess we're not expecting him?"

"This is about Kyle" said Derek. "Look, there's no easy way to tell you all this." He hesitated. "We got some bad news this morning... Kyle was hit by a car last night."

"Oh my god, is he okay?!" Ana was the first person to speak.

Derek's voice cracked. "No, no he's not ... I'm afraid he didn't make it."

Karen was numb. She couldn't process it. Kyle. Sweet Kyle. Dead? She felt the tears start to well up inside her, and pulled Ana in for a hug. She was sobbing.

"I can't believe it" Ana whispered eventually. Karen released herself from Ana's grip, and wiping the tears from her friends face with her sleeve. "Neither can I ... neither can I."

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Derek looked around the room. He was struggling himself. Kyle was a great kid, and he was the heart and soul of this show, this production, and these guys who were all trying to process what had happened. His eyes made their way to Karen. She was comforting Ana who couldn't control her tears. They both looked distraught. He wanted nothing more than to pull Karen into a soothing embrace, the way he used to in Boston. He figured he needed it right now just as much as Karen.

As if she could feel the eyes on her, Karen suddenly looked over at him. "Has anyone told Jimmy yet?"

"I don't know. I tried to call him when I heard the news but he isn't answering his cell."

"He can't find out the wrong way Derek! Jimmy's so angry right now anyway, and this will destroy him. You know how he is." Karen sounded panicked.

"Is that my ears burning? Glad to know you've not completely forgotten about me already. I mean its not like I wrote this damn show or anything, but let's not worry about that!"

Derek span around to see Jimmy standing in the doorway.

"Jimmy" Derek started ...

"Don't worry! I'm just getting my things and then I'm out of here, and none of you jerks will ever have to see me again. Even Kyle wants nothing more to do with me. He made that perfectly clear to me last night. He, along with all of you, can go screw yourselves!"

This was too much for Blake. "Kyle's dead. He, he got hit by a car last night."

Jimmy stopped dead. "Okay come on Blake, that's pretty sick" he laughed.

"It's true Jimmy" Karen said, instinctively walking over to Jimmy.

Jimmy looked around at his colleagues. The looks on their faces left him in no doubt. Blake wasn't joking.

"No, no, you see he can't be ... because I saw him last night ... I spoke to him. He came to meet me, to tell me why he couldn't live with me anymore! Jimmy laughed. "You see, he was fine then!"

"Jimmy. I'm so sorry." Karen moved closer to Jimmy, reaching out for him, but he suddenly snapped. "Get away from me!" he screamed, pushing her away, the force of his actions causing Karen to stumble backwards, smashing into a set of stacked chairs that crashed all around her.

"Jesus Christ Jimmy!" Derek shouted, rushing to Karen who was sprawled on the floor, clutching her arm.

Jimmy's emotions had got the better of him, and he was lashing out. "This is all your fault!" Jimmy seethed, looking at Karen "You're the reason he's dead. Kyle told me how you told him to cut me loose. He wouldn't have come to see me if it wasn't for you. He wouldn't have had his accident if it wasn't for you. KYLE'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!"

The words seemed to startle Jimmy, and he stood there for a second looking dazed. Then without saying anything else he bolted out of the room.

Everyone stood in shocked silence. Derek reached for Karen. Her breathing was rapid and she was pale as anything. "Karen?" Derek said quietly. "Let me have a look at your arm" It was cut pretty badly, blood flowing out of it, staining her white top red.

"I'm fine, I'm fine" Karen whispered, not too convincingly.

"Of course you're fine" Derek winked. "It's nothing more than a scratch" he said, as he started wrapping a cloth someone had handed him around karen's arm, stemming the flow. "You've got to man up Cartwright!"

"He's right" Karen whispered, her facing starting to crumple. "None of this would have happened if it hadn't been for me."

"Don't be bloody ridiculous" Derek said. "It was an accident."

He looked into Karen's eyes, and she nodded, but tears started to flow down her face, and Derek found himself wrapping his arms tightly around her. She was sobbing uncontrollably now, her face buried in his chest, soaking his shirt with her tears. Derek decided right then that he was never going to let go.


	8. Chapter 8

3 weeks had passed since Kyle's death and everything was moving so quickly. Jerry Rand had seized the opportunity and was taking Hit List to Broadway. Previews were starting in a week. Derek was uncomfortable with the situation, and was under no illusions that for Jerry the move had nothing to do with continuing Kyle's legacy, but everything to do with getting one over on Eileen. He really was that despicable. But he knew that Kyle's dream had been Broadway, and so he sucked it up, and told himself that as long as he and everyone else was doing this for Kyle, then it was all okay.

There had been changes in the cast too. Karen had tried to persuade Jimmy to come back to the show, to do it for Kyle, but he wouldn't, or couldn't, so Sam had taken over. He'd fitted in seamlessly, and the softness he brought to the character of Jesse seemed almost fitting at this moment.

Karen wasn't coping well, he knew that. Ever since the day Kyle died, when Jimmy had laid the blame for Kyle's death so publicly at Karen's door, she'd closed off from everyone. He knew she had taken his words to heart and was blaming herself for what had happened. Despite his efforts to talk to her, to offer her his support, she'd barely spoken to him at all these past few weeks, and when she did it was strictly Hit List matters.

When she looked at him now it was like she was looking through him. Her eyes were dead, like she was just going through the motions. It was affecting her performances too. Nothing that the audience would notice, but Derek did. The sparkle she had when she performed as Amanda was gone. And it worried Derek that the only time Karen's emotions seemed to come alive was when she was standing on the platform, singing 'Broadway Here I Come.' He told himself that she just needed time to get over the shock of losing Kyle, to process everything that had happened, but he worried about her ... constantly.

"Derek? Can I talk to you about something please?" Ana had arrived at rehearsal early, finding Derek sitting on the staging platform, working on some new sets for the Broadway move.

"Sure thing sweetheart" Derek said absentmindedly. Ana took a seat next to him.

"I'm really worried about Karen."

Derek looked at Ana, seeing the concern etched on her face.

"I am too Ana, but she's a tough nut behind her corn girl Iowan exterior" Derek smiled. "This is just her way of getting through everything, I'm sure."

"No, no, it's more than that. She's been so distant. When she is home she locks herself in her room, and the last week or so, she's hardly been home at all. I've been worried sick, and when I've asked her where she's been, she's just said "around." This is Karen Derek! She doesn't just not come home at night, night after night! I have no idea where's she's been, or who she's been with. It isn't any of our friends, I've checked."

"She won't open up to me at all. I know she's punishing herself for Kyle's death. I tell you, if I get my hands on Jimmy effing Collins! Please, please can you try speaking to her Derek. She listens to you, she always has."

"Ana I'm doing everything I can to get through to her, but she won't talk to me either. It's like she won't even register I'm there."

"Well we have to do something. My girl is slipping away from me and I want the old Karen back."

Derek smiled and planted a kiss on Ana's forehead. "I'll take care of it Ana. I'll take care of Karen, you have my word."

"Thank you Derek" Ana sniffed, tears glistening in her eyes. They sat in silence for a while, eyes trained to the floor, lost in thought.

"She loves you you know!"

Derek's head jerked up. "What?!"

"She loves you. I don't think even Karen realised it until now. That morning she went to your apartment ... she wasn't just there to apologise Derek. She was so upset when she came back. She'd never allowed herself to feel more for you because she knew your reputation, but when you two fell out, I think it hit her how much she missed you. And then she saw you with Ivy ... Ana trailed off.

Derek shook his head at the memory, but his heart was racing. Karen loved her!

"I see you too together" Ana continued. "You've got this connection, it's undeniable. i think Karen needs that now Derek. She needs you now. You need to fix her before she spirals out of control. I, I ... I think she might be using as well."

"Drugs?!" Derek was incredulous.

"Yes. She's so spaced out all the time, not really with it. She's not the Karen I know. You must have noticed."

"Yeah, yeah I've noticed" Derek said quietly. "Go get yourself ready for rehearsal and I'll sort this." He winked at Ana and she smiled gratefully back at him.

"Thank you Derek" she said, as she made her way out.

Derek was lost in thought. He berated himself. What the hell had he been doing these last few weeks. He knew Karen was struggling, but he hadn't fought hard enough to help her. He wouldn't let her down now.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Karen rolled off him, and lay on her back, trying to catch her breath. She looked over at the man lying next to her. "That was amazing. You're amazing" he said, stroking the strands of hair away from her face, leaning in for a kiss. She smiled and kissed him back, but at that moment she didn't even know who she was anymore.

"Jimmy, I have to go. I'm already going to be late for rehearsal."


	9. Chapter 9

It was bitter outside as Karen rushed to rehearsal. She rubbed her arm. The scar from her cut was still fresh and the cold air was making it itch. When she'd first found Jimmy a few days after Kyle died, he'd grabbed her arm so hard that the stiches came free and the blood started seeping through her bandage. He'd told her it was always there to remind her what she'd done. She was distraught. He'd broken down then, and asked her to forgive him, not just for hurting her, but for everything.

"You're the only girl who's ever truly cared for me since my mom" he'd told her, as she took hold of him. He needed her. He didn't have anyone else. That night they'd made passionate love, and Jimmy had told her he loved her, and couldn't imagine life without her.

She truly cared for him. That had never changed since the first time she'd met him. She wanted to believe that he could change, and be the man she had always hoped he could be. She'd seen glimpses of that Jimmy during their torrid relationship, which was why she'd kept going back for more. So as they'd lain next to each other, naked and exposed, they bared their souls to each other, and Karen made the decision that she would give her heart to him.

Jimmy wanted her to leave Hit List, but that was the one thing she wouldn't do. Couldn't do. She needed to help get the show to Broadway ... for Kyle. He'd told her the place was poison, that they were exploiting his memory, but she didn't really believe that. The people close to the show, they were only thinking of Kyle. Broadway was his dream and she wouldn't let him down in death the way she had let him down in life.

"Come with me. Come back to the show" she'd pleaded with Jimmy "You need to. Kyle would have wanted it."

"I can't" was all he would ever reply. She'd stopped asking now.

She hadn't meant to distance herself from her friends, from Ana, and especially Derek. But her life was with Jimmy now, and the more time she spent in his world the more lost she felt in this one. Jimmy was done with that part of his life, she knew that. His music, Hit List, had been his medicine to get him through the traumas in his past, but after Kyle's death the pain was just too much for him. Karen had tried to get him to write but he'd told her it hurt too much. He told her they should run away from Broadway, from New York, from their life.

"We only need each other, screw the rest of them" he'd said. "They'll only try and turn you against me. They don't understand the love we have for each other."

She did love him, she was sure of that. But then why did she feel so lost, so ... empty? Sometimes she felt as though she wasn't even herself anymore. She had this strange feeling that she'd stepped outside of herself and the Karen she was looking down on was some intruder who'd stolen her soul. Then a few nights ago, when she was standing on the edge of the platform, singing Broadway Here I Come, she'd nearly stepped off.

She'd started using. Jimmy had helped her out. "It'll help you get through the pain" he'd told her, but now she couldn't get through a day without it. The high was always too brief. She was glad Jimmy was there to take care of her, to understand. She felt safe with him. She had everything she wanted. A man who loved her and would do anything for her.

She ran into the theater, dumped her bag backstage and headed out into the main theater. "Sorry I'm late" she muttered, avoiding eye contact. Derek came over, concern etched on his face, and asked her if she was okay. Why was he always in her face all the time. She didn't need his pity, she didn't deserve it.

"I'm fine Derek" she snapped. "Let's just start shall we?"

* * *

Everyone was exhausted. Even by Derek's standards he'd been pushing them hard. Too hard. A full day's rehearsal and then a show. It was too much and they were all at breaking point. Usually his work allowed him to shut off all things things personal. Probably why he was a workaholic, but today he'd been distracted. Since his talk with Ana that morning everything he'd been paying particular attention to Karen, more so than usual. On the surface everything seemed fine. Her moves, her voice, it was all still there. But he saw it again, when she stood on the edge in her Amanda suicide scene - that utter sense of loss in her eyes. Her voice was full of emotion but he knew she wasn't acting.

He followed her out of the theater after the show. He needed to know where she was headed. She'd simply told Ana she was meeting up with an old school buddy who was in town for a few days, and would probably crash at her hotel. Ana didn't believe it for a second. Neither did Derek.

She walked a few blocks to a tiny park Derek had never come across before. She'd barely sat down on a bench when a guy approached her, kissing her full on the mouth as she stood up to embrace him. A sudden pang of jealousy rushed through Derek and he berated himself for feeling like that. His feelings for Karen were not what was important right now. It was only when she turned to walk off with him did Derek realise who he was. Jimmy!

* * *

"She's seeing that moron Jimmy!"

"Jimmy?! Are you kidding me?!"

Derek had called Ana and asked her to come into rehearsal early, and they were sitting in the same spot as they had a day earlier.

"I wish I bloody well was" said Derek, barely able to contain his emotions. "Bloody Jimmy Collins has hooked her back in. No wonder she's been acting the way she has. What the hell is she thinking?! She's got more sense than that!"

Ana shook her head. "I don't think she even knows herself anymore ... Oh god, this is _so_ not healthy Derek. The last thing she needs right now is Jimmy. He must have some sort of hold over her. I mean, he's the reason she was blaming herself for Kyle's death in the first place, and now what, they're all sunshine and roses together?! ... What are we going to do?"

"Maybe we could get Karen in a room to talk to her ... you, me, Julia?" Derek suggested.

"like an intervention? I'm not sure that's a good idea. She's so fragile right now, she'll think she's been cornered. It'll only push her further away ... I think you should talk to her Derek."

"Me? That could be a recipe for disaster!" Derek forced a laugh.

"If anyone can get through to her it's you Derek. She opened up to you about Dev didn't she?"

"yeah ... but that was different. We were different then."

"Please Derek!" Ana pleaded.

"Okay. I'll talk to her. I'll speak to her after today's rehearsal as we don't have a show tonight. Do me a favour will you, and tell everyone to make a quick escape?"

"Of course. Thank you Derek. Just get her home safely will you?"

"Of course I will" replied Derek. There was nothing he wanted more.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: thank you to everyone for reading this story. I hope you're enjoying it. It's my first fanfic so I'm still learning, but its a lot of fun. I know this story has gotten a little dark, but its always annoyed me how the Smash writers have never given Karen much depth, so this is probably me trying to put some things right there, lol!**

**One other thing. In planning out the story, I've now realised that my timing of the prologue doesn't work anymore, so I've now gone back and edited chapter 2 to be "2 months earlier" rather than 1 month. I hope that's okay.**

**And please keep reading, and reviewing. Your support makes it worthwhile. :) **

* * *

"Karen? Can I have a word please?"

"Can it wait? I really have to rush Derek."

"It won't take long" Derek smiled. He was trying to sound as normal as possible. "Take a seat."

Ana had been as good as her word, and everyone had made a quick exit, leaving Derek and Karen alone in the breakout room. Karen reluctantly hopped up on table, legs dangling, and looked at Derek. She didn't say a word. She just looked at him, almost challenging him with her stare. She wasn't going to make this easy for him.

"Ummm, I just wanted to check that you're doing okay? We haven't had a chance to talk recently and well ... you haven't seemed yourself. I know these last few weeks have been tough for us all, but we're all here for each other you know. You do know that right?

Derek looked at Karen. She was shifting uncomfortably. She really didn't want to be having this conversation, that much was clear.

"I'm fine Derek" she replied, hopping off the desk, immediately heading for the door. "Look I really have to go, so if that's all you wanted to ..."

"I'm not finished Karen" Derek interrupted, moving to block the door, and her way out.

"Jesus Derek!" Karen laughed. "What the hell is this? Will you just let me out already?!" She pushed at Derek's arm to move him out of the way, but he didn't budge. "Derek, please!"

"Not until we finish this conversation."

"I'm pretty sure we already did! You remember right? that bit where I said I'm fine Derek. What more do you want me to say?"

"You're not fine Karen" Derek said softly. "You're so not fine. Look, we're all worried about you. Ana, Julia, me ... everyone. You haven't been yourself. You don't have to distance yourself from us"

"Oh, so now suddenly you know everything about me?!" Karen suddenly snapped. She was getting confrontational. This wasn't going as Derek had planned.

"No, I, just ... look Karen, I'm not your enemy here. I just bloody well care about you okay. And you know what else? I do know you, more than you probably know yourself right now! And I know you're only lashing out now because you know I'm right."

"Oh my god, spare me the psycho-babble Derek! You don't know anything about me. The real me! All you've ever cared about is getting me into bed. Jesus, all those times I opened up to you. I thought you cared for me, when really it was just the challenge of another leading lady notch on your bedpost!"

"Karen, Karen, please. That has nothing to do with anything right now. I'm just here because I care about you, as your friend."

"Friend? FRIEND?!" Karen was incredulous. "We're not friends Derek, in case you'd forgotten that, and I don't need you for sex, for friendship, for ANYTHING!"

"OH BECAUSE YOU GET ALL OF THAT FROM JIMMY!" Derek suddenly retaliated. He couldn't help himself. He shouldn't have said it, and he saw Karen was thrown. She eventually composed herself, and looked Derek straight in the eyes.

"Whatever, Derek. I don't need to explain myself to you. Least of all my relationship with Jimmy" Karen said slowly, almost threateningly. "Now will you please just let me out." Tears were forming in her eyes, and Derek hated that he was causing all this distress.

"He's no good for you."

The sincerity in his voice seemed to affect Karen. He could see the pain in her eyes. But there was also indignance.

"Jimmy isn't your problem Derek ... and you're wrong. He is good for me. He's everything to me. We need each other."

"Bullshit! You need him like a hole in the bloody head! Don't let whatever guilt you feel for Kyle's death, a death that Jimmy put all on you don't forget, eat away at you like this. Whatever he's said to you, it's all a pile of manipulative bullshit so he can control you!"

"No, no" Karen shook her head. "He's never said anything to me other than the truth. He understands me. We understand each other. We love each other."

"You don't love him Karen" Derek pleaded. "You might think you do, but this isn't love. It's this hold he has over you. I bet he still blames you for Kyle right, told you that you owe him."

"No! He's never asked anything like that of me!" Karen shouted. "And besides, he's forgiven me for Kyle."

"Bloody hell Karen!" Derek raged. "There's nothing bloody well to forgive."

Karen was crying now. "YES THERE IS!" she shouted. "None of this would have happened if it wasn't for me. It was me who pushed Jimmy away. He opened up to me and I pushed him away. He wouldn't have acted out like he did of it wasn't for me. And Kyle would never have gone to cut him loose that night. Oh my god, it was me who told him to do it Derek! Don't you see, all of this is my fault! Everything that happened, happened because of me." She looked down at the floor, tears dripping down her face.

"Karen, Karen" Derek said quietly. He took moved towards her and placed his hands softly on her shoulders. He thought she'd push him away, but she didn't flinch, her emotions spent.

"Karen. Look at me!" She lifted her eyes to his. There was so much hurt, and it was all Derek could do not to take her in his arms right then. "Listen to me sweetheart. Listen to me okay? What happened to Kyle was an accident. A tragic accident. We all try to rationalise these things because its the only way to try and make sense of what happened, but that's all it ever was Karen. An accident. A million things could have happened to stop it, but they didn't. For whatever reason, the fates conspired against Kyle ... and he died. It was just a tragic accident. No one is blaming you."

"Jimmy is" she whispered.

"We'll Jimmy's an idiot, and he's wrong to make you feel like this."

"He's the only one who's been there for me, the only one who understands what I've been feeling."

"Of course he understands you" Derek replied. "Because he's the one who made you feel that way! ... Look, I don't doubt that he loves you Karen. But can't you see? This relationship, or whatever it is you have together, it's all based on lies. You think you love him because he looks after you. He tells you he's the only one you need, sod the rest of us. You find comfort in him, you rely on him, because he's driven everyone else in your life Away. But it's not real Karen, and deep down, I know you know this, don't you? ... He's no good for you."

The tears were flowing now, and he saw Karen nod. He took her in his arms, holding her close, and she began to sob into his shirt. They stood like that for a long time, until eventually she grew still. "I'm sorry."

"Shhhh" he replied. "You have nothing to be sorry for." He untangled himself from her, and wiped away the tears staining her face. She looked so lost, so helpless. It pained him to see her like this. "Whatever you need, I'm here for you, always. You know you can always count on me."

"You know..." she said "There's still that small thing about us not being friends to sort out."

Derek burst out laughing, more out of relief than anything, and couldn't help but pull her back into an embrace. " I'm sorry for pushing you away. I was doing my best petulant teen impression. I don't want to lose our friendship again."

"You won't" she whispered.

Derek could have stayed like that forever. She wasn't fixed yet, but he knew she'd get there."

"Come on" he said softly, untangling himself from her again. "Let's get you home. Ana will be worried sick."

He took Karen's hand and slowly led her out of the room. They would deal with the inevitable Jimmy fallout another day.

"Thank you Derek" was all she said.


	11. Chapter 11

"Why the hell hasn't she called?"

"Derek calm down" Ana tried to reassure him. "She will."

"I should have bloody well gone with her. Letting her do this alone was a bad idea."

"And you rocking up at Jimmy's apartment wouldn't have been?! I know you're worried about her. I am too. But she needs to do this her way. It's not our fight."

"Yeah that only works when she isn't in such a fragile state. Who knows what crap he's telling her to suck her back in."

The night before Derek had taken Karen back to her apartment, and she'd broken down in Ana's arms. Derek, feeling helpless, had gone out to go pick up some takeout for them all, and to clear his head. He wondered how it had got to this. How he had found himself so entangled in the life of a girl from Iowa. This was why he didn't do relationships. They were messy. But with Karen, none of that seemed to matter.

She'd calmed down by the time he returned with the takeout, and was grateful for some food. He wondered if she'd even eaten all day.

"I'm going to speak to him tomorrow" she said quietly. "I can't tonight ... I need to get my head straight. I need to work out how to tell him. I know you think Jimmy's this bad person, but he's not. He's just broken. He's been like that for so long I don't even know if he can be fixed. I'm not even sure he wants to be. But I still want to be there for him. You understand that right? He needs someone to look out for him and I'm not going to desert him."

"I'll come with you."

"No, Derek. I need to do this alone." She winked at him reassuringly, but he could tell she was scared.

She went to bed soon after, exhausted both emotionally and physically. On her way to her room she leant down to hug Ana and kiss Derek on the cheek. "Thank you" she'd said. "I'm so sorry for everything."

The morning after, and it had now been 5 hours since Karen had left for Jimmy's apartment, and both Ana and Derek were now officially panicking.

"Okay this is ridiculous, I'm heading over there!"

Just as he got up the door of the apartment opened, and in walked Karen. She was shivering from the cold, and had dark rings around her eyes. Derek knew she'd been crying. He led her to the couch to sit down, and wrapped the couch blanket around her shoulders. When he touched her he felt her flinch. Her eyes were locked on her hands, and she wouldn't look at him.

"How did it go" Derek eventually asked, cursed himself for asking a bloody stupid question that could only have one reply.

"It's over" she said. "I don't want to talk about it. You just need to know it's over."

He wasn't going to push her anymore right now. He noted how withdrawn she looked. That emptiness in her eyes again. He was boiling inside at the thought of what Jimmy might have said to her.

"Okay sweetheart" he said softly, and moved to kiss her on the forehead. She jumped up before he got a chance, startling him and Ana with her sudden movement.

"Ummm, I'm really tired. I think I'm going to go and have a lie down." She said. She was fidgeting. She smiled at them and made her way to her room, shutting the door behind her, and shutting Derek and Ana out.

* * *

If Derek had thought that Karen free from Jimmy would return to normal, he was wrong. If anything she had withdrawn even further into herself. She'd stopped eating. She was looking frail, and Derek made the decision to for Karen's understudy, Emily, to play the role of Amanda for the last few shows at the Manhattan Theater Workshop, before the move to Broadway. Karen needed a few days away from the stress of Hit List. Her complete acceptance of this worried Derek more that anything. This was a girl who'd got pissed when he gave Ana 3 lines of 'Broadway Here I Come'!

It was late, and Derek was busy preparing for Hit List's final show the next day at the MTW, and was holed up in the costume room. Scott wandered in. "Oh hey Derek. Karen was here a second ago. She was looking for you. I sent her to your room. I thought that's where you'd be."

"Thanks Scott." Derek practically sprinted to his office. It was empty when he got there. He cursed himself for missing her. He hadn't spoken to her for a few days. She hadn't been returning his calls but he knew she needed space right now. He dialled her number but it went straight through to voicemail.

"Hi sweetheart. It's me. I believe you just called in to see me. As is always the way, the dark lord was busy working!" he joked. "Give me a call back when you get this will you?"

It was then that he saw the note. A folded up sheet of paper on her desk with "Derek" written on it. He opened it. It was from Karen.

_"Hey! Sorry I missed you. I don't know why I came really. I guess I just wanted to tell you thank you, for everything. Whatever happens Derek, this isn't on you. Love Karen xoxo"_

"Whatever happens Derek, this isn't on you" ...

Derek was panicking. He dialled Ana's number, and thankfully she picked up. "Ana, Ana, listen to me, this is important. Did Karen say anything to you today about where she was going? Did she say anything unusual?"

"No. But she did give me a massive hug before I left for the show. Kind of out of nowhere"

"Shit"

"Derek you're scaring me. What's going on?"

He read her Karen's note. "I need to find her now Ana! Where the hell would you go if you were Karen right now, not thinking straight, and contemplating doing something insanely stupid?"

"The Old East River Bridge. It's what Jimmy and Kyle had in mind for Hit List. For Amanda's sui ..." she couldn't say it. "For Amanda's 'Broadway Here I Come' scene. It's the only place that makes sense ... I'm heading there now." She hung up and Derek raced outside, practically manhandling an oncoming taxi.

"I need to get to the Old East River Bridge now. I don't care how much it costs me, but you need to get there in record time."

* * *

Karen looked over the edge. She could just make out the ripples of water, reflecting from the lights of the distant buildings. It was bitter cold, and she was shivering, but she figured that none of that actually mattered now. All she had to do was take one step forward and it would all be over.

She knew that she wasn't herself. But she didn't have any fight left in her. She was tired. She just wanted the pain to end, and she knew that Jimmy would never let that happen. He'd never let her go. She thought back to her telling him she couldn't be with him anymore, and his reaction, and tears started to build in her eyes. She had thought him capable of many things, but not that.

She thought of her mom and dad, her friends, Ana. She hoped one day they'd forgive her for her selfishness. And then she thought about Derek. She wished she'd gotten the chance to see him before ... she shook her head as if to clear her mind of any doubts. She took another look at the water below. It was so calm, so ... inviting. She closed her eyes and prepared to say her final goodbye.

"KAREN, NO!"


	12. Chapter 12

"Pick up the phone Karen!" he shouted. She wasn't answering. Almost immediately his phone rang. "Karen?!"

"No Derek, it's Ana. Are you there yet? I'm stuck in a jam. I'll be another 10 minutes or so."

"I'm about 5 minutes away" Derek replied. "I'm going to get off the phone Ana in case she tries to ring." They hung up. The taxi driver was racing, but not fast enough for Derek. He was impatient to be there. A few minutes later the taxi pulled up at its destination and Derek threw a bunch of notes at the driver.

He sprinted to the bridge. It was dark and deserted. Eerily quiet. It had been derelict for years, and Derek had to carefully pick his way across the bridge, making sure to avoid the gaps where the rotten wood had given way. It wouldn't help anyone if he fell into the icy water below.

It was then that he saw her, about halfway across the bridge. She'd climbed over the barrier and was standing on the narrow ledge on the other side. Derek knew he didn't have much time, but he didn't want to scare her either. He slowly moved closer. She hadn't seen him yet. He was only about 10 metres away when she made a sudden movement, and Derek's reflexes kicked in. He lurched forward ...

"KAREN! NO!" he shouted, rushing towards her.

She span around in shock, wide-eyed. "Derek! ... leave me alone."

"Like bloody hell I will! ... listen to me Karen." He slowly inched a little closer, hands up as if in surrender. "Karen, I know you. I know you don't really want to do this ... now please, just take my hand."

He was close enough to see she was violently shivering. It was bitterly cold on the bridge and an icy wind was whipping across them. She was a mess, her eyes full of tears. He knew he had to talk her down fast, because she was unstable enough to jump at any time.

"Derek, please" her voice was shaking. "Please just go away."

"I can't do that" Karen. "I told you the other day you can always count on me. I'm not going to let you down now. If you jump you know I'm going to have to jump in after you, and I know you don't want that on your conscience. Please Karen ... take my hand." He moved forwards until he was almost touching distance. He considered grabbing her, but didn't want to risk her falling.

She looked back down at the water.

"Karen, please sweetheart. Whatever you're feeling now, I guarantee you it's not worth this. We can get through this, together. You and me. I won't let you down. Whatever Jimmy's said to you, done to you, I can fix it"

She shook her head. "No you can't fix what he did" she whispered, tears starting to fall. "You shouldn't want to know me anymore." The realisation suddenly hit Derek. He was appalled.

"Karen, I don't care about any of that. I only care about you, now come on sweetheart, take my hand. Let's get you out of here."

"I'm so tired Derek. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of feeling scared, of worrying about what he's going to do next. Scared of what he might do to you, to Ana. If I'm not around then ..."

"Hey hey" he interrupted. "First of all, Jimmy Collins doesn't scare me, and if he doesn't scare me, then you know he doesn't even register with Ana! And secondly, I'll make sure he never hurts you again, I promise you Karen."

She was still looking at the water, and for a split second Derek thought she was about to jump, but then she turned her head to look at him. "You promise?"

"Scout's honour Karen! ... Now come on, let's get you out of here" he said softly.

He moved one more step closer and reached out to take her hand which was gripped to the railing. It was so cold. She was so pale. He was no doctor but he knew he had to get her inside and warmed up soon.

"Now, turn around really carefully" he said. She did as she was told until she was facing him. He gave her a reassuring smile. "You know, we're going to laugh about this tomorrow." He saw a small, grateful smile form on her lips. "Okay, Miss Cartwright." He hooked his left hand under right arm, and moved to do the same with her right. suddenly the rotten wood in the ledge Karen was standing on gave way.

"DEREK!" She screamed. The force of the movement caused his left hand so come free. She plummeted, so the only grip he had was with his right hand which was still holding onto hers. The weight of her dropping almost pulled him over too. She was dangling in mid air.

"Karen, Karen, you need to reach up with your right arm and grab me." She was panicking, trying to reach up. "I can't Derek. Please don't let me fall!" He was trying to pull her up with his right hand, but he could feel her left hand starting to slip. He didn't have much time. "I'm not going to let you fall, now reach up and grab my arm. One big effort sweetheart."

She swung her arm up and managed to grab the sleeve of his shirt. "Okay, now don't let go." With her gripped onto his left arm, he managed to, with one movement, hook his right hand under her left arm, and slowly started to pull her back over. When she was almost at his level he grabbed under her left arm too, and yanked her over the railing in one movement. They landed in an ungraceful heap, but he didn't care. She was hyperventilating with the shock of it all, and he wrapped himself around her as tightly as possible.

"They sat like that for about a minute" until he heard footsteps on the bridge, and turned to see Ana making her way towards them.

"We're okay Ana ... everything's okay."

Relief washed over her face. "Thank you Derek" she mouthed.

"We need to get her out of here now though. She's so cold." He could feel Karen shaking against him. She was totally out of it. He slowly got up and lifted her into his arms, her own arms wrapped around his neck.

"I told the taxi to wait, come on" said Ana, and helped guide him slowly back over the precarious bridge. When they reached the taxi, he climbed into the back seat with Karen, while Ana got in the front. "Do we need to go to the hospital?" she said, turning to Derek. "No, let's head back to mine, get her warmed up there." He gave the taxi his address, and the driver moved off.

Tears started to form in Derek's eyes as he softly kissed Karen on the forehead. "Everything's going to be okay."

* * *

The taxi drive back to Derek's apartment was silent, with both Derek and Ana trying to process what had happened; the realisation of just how close to losing her they had come. Karen was still shaking when he carried her into the apartment and up the stairs into his guest bedroom, a combination of the cold and shock. He sat down on the bed with her, reaching for a blanket to wrap around her. He began rubbing her arms to warm her up. He head was buried in his chest.

Her breathing eventually began to regulate, and he stayed with her like that until she fell asleep. He carefully removed her shoes and jeans, and tucked her under the duvet, placing the blanket on top of her. She looked so peaceful and serene ... Derek was finding it hard to fathom that this was a girl who an hour or so earlier was so lost and desperate that she was ready to end it all. He instinctively reached for her face and gently stroked her cheek with his thumb. "I'll take care of Jimmy" he whispered. "You won't have to worry about him again."

Ana was sitting on his sofa, halfway through a bottle of red, when Derek finally made his way back downstairs. "You know that's a $500 bottle of Brunello you're consuming!" he said, smile on his face. "Yeah well" Ana quipped, "If ever there was a time to crack open the expensive stuff, it's now!" Derek smiled, and sat down next to her, pouring himself a large glass.

"How is she?"

"She's sleeping now. She hasn't said a word since ... I don't know what to do Ana. I think maybe we should take her to the hospital in the morning, get some proper help for her. I feel like we're in way too deep here, and I don't want to make things worse."

"Derek, Karen's alive because of you, don't ever forget that. Thank you for saving her." She reached over and hugged him tight. He needed that. "Let's just see how she is in the morning shall we?" she said. "Having doctors and shrinks prodding and poking her, pumping her with drugs, might not be the best thing for her right now."

Derek shook his head. "How the hell did it get to this, and so quickly?! Christ Ana, she nearly killed herself! She would have jumped you know." The enormity of that revelation suddenly overwhelmed him.

"I don't know." Ana said. "Kyle. Grief ... and guilt. It can do funny things to you I guess. Someone like Karen, she likes to keep her feelings locked in. Maybe we should have seen the signs earlier, but she's always been so put together. And then there's obviously the Jimmy factor."

Just the mention of his name made Derek start, his hands involuntarily forming into a fist. "He, he forced himself on her you know ... the other day, when she went to tell him."

"What?!"

"It's what pushed her over the edge. Literally! I'm going to bloody kill him when I get my hands on him!"

"God ... he raped her?!" Ana was horrified. She looked at Derek, and reached for his arm. "Derek, whatever you might be thinking of doing, don't. Please don't do anything stupid. It's not going to help, and it sure as hell won't help Karen. Kyle's death has hit Jimmy so hard, he ..."

"Oh my god, you're defending him?!" Derek was incredulous.

"Derek calm down! I'm not defending him. But he needs help too. I know Jimmy's always been volatile, but this Jimmy ... he's just so damaged. We need to tread carefully, and concentrate on Karen now, and getting her back to the Karen we know. Please don't do anything stupid."

"He needs locking up."

They sat drinking quietly for another hour, until exhaustion overwhelmed them both. "I'll take the couch" Derek offered. "You can have my bed." "Ummm, yeah, that depends on when you last changed the sheets!" Ana joked. They both laughed. Derek was grateful for Ana's humour at a time like this.

"It's okay anyway" she said. "I'll go and share with Karen. I think she needs me to be there when she wakes up. Night Derek" she said, unsteadily getting up off the couch. she reached down to give him a tender peck on the cheek. "Everything will seem better in the morning, it always does!"


	13. Chapter 13

"Make it stop" she groaned. The early morning sun was beaming through the huge glass window and into Karen's face. She opened her eyes and squinted, immediately confused. She had no idea where she was. She slowly sat up and looked around, and realised she was in Derek's spare bedroom. It was either that or a 5 star hotel!

She looked over and saw a stirring Ana lying next to her. "Sorry Ana! I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't" she groaned. "That would be my killer hangover pounding away at my head waking me up. God I feel rough."

Karen smiled, and lay back down in bed, so they were facing each other. "Ana, I don't know what to say about yesterday. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm a mess. I didn't mean to put this all on you and Derek, and you shouldn't have to deal with my crap."

Her voice was breaking, and tears were starting to fall from her eyes. She looked like an adorable lost puppy with her huge watery brown eyes, and Ana couldn't help but pull her in for a hug.

"Girl, you have nothing to apologise for, okay?!" Karen nodded. "All I care about is that you're okay, and that you get better, and as long as that takes, I'm here for you. Don't you ever feel like you're in this alone, okay?!" Karen nodded again.

"Don't ever do anything like that again, you hear me?!"

"I promise."

They lay quietly for a while. "So, ummm" Ana continued. "Derek and I were talking. We were thinking maybe we could take you to the hospital, you know, just so you can talk to someone. It might help."

"No, no, please Ana" Karen pleaded. "I'm fine. I mean, I'm not fine, clearly!" she laughed. "But I will be. I have all the help I need here. If I go to the hospital it'll be all over Riedel's column before Derek can say "where is Karen Cartwright?!" They both laughed.

"Okay. No hospital." Ana, moved a bit of Karen's hair from her face, wondering how she was going to broach the next subject.

"Karen? ... Derek told me about Jimmy. About what he did to you." She saw Karen start at the revelation. She probably couldn't even remember what she'd told Derek, such was the state she was in the night before. "I think you should go to the police."

"No, I can't!"

"Karen!"

"No please Ana, I just ... I can't do that to him. Please don't make me." She was starting to get hysterical.

"Okay okay. Whatever you want. No one's going to force you to do anything you don't want to do Karen." Ana immediately cringed at her choice of words.

"Going to the police isn't what's going to make me feel better Ana, or give me closure. It's not the thing that will get me through this."

"Okay girl" Ana replied, stroking Karen's arm soothingly. "What did he say, when you told him?" Ana asked after a while. "You can tell me."

Karen's voice was trembling. "He ... I, I don't think he believed me at first. Then he started raging. Raging at Derek , and you. Saying you'd poisoned my mind. I'm sorry to put that on you Ana. Then he started begging me to stay. He was sobbing, it was horrible. He kept saying he couldn't live without me, that we needed each other."

"He kissed me ... and I kissed him back" Karen continued. "I don't know why I did that. But then he ... well you know." She looked down, struggling with the pain of the memory. "He started to unbutton my shirt. At first I let him, but then I told him to stop. I tried to push him away, but he was too strong. He was crying all the way through Ana, telling me how much he loved me. I tried to pretend it was like every other time with him, but I knew it wasn't."

Karen was crying now, and Ana moved to wipe the tears from her face. "Girl" she said tenderly. "We've really got to sort out this looking like crap thing. If you look bad there's no hope for the rest of us!" Karen laughed through her tears, grateful for Ana at this moment.

"When he'd finished" she continued "I just lay there ... I looked over at him. He looked so lost. I got up to leave. He told me I was a stupid whore, a dirty slut, and to get out and never come back. There was so much hurt in his eyes Ana, and so much hate. I, I ... I thought maybe I could be the one to save him, but I don't think anyone can. The last thing he said to me, as I walked out of the door was 'they always leave Karen! Why should you be any different!'" She shook her head sadly at the memory.

"Karen. None of this is on you, none of it. Jimmy's sick, remember that."

"I know" she whispered.

They lay like that for another 30 minutes or so, quietly talking, until the alcohol consumption all got too much for Ana, and she ran into the bathroom to empty the contents of her stomach. Karen couldn't help but laugh. "Just don't tell Derek his fancy bottle of vintage wine ended up down the toilet" she said, as she crawled out of the bathroom. "You have my word girl" Karen winked.

* * *

After she'd showered, Karen nervously made her way down the stairs. Derek was sat at the kitchen counter, in grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt, working away on his laptop.

"Hey" she said quietly.

His head jerked up. "Hey" he replied, smiling. " How are you feeling?"

"Better,thank you. Can I steal your bed, it's amazing!" They both laughed. "So, ummm, I've talked things through with Ana ... told her everything. I'm, I'm not going to go to the police Derek, so please don't try and make me."

"Fine, whatever you want Karen" he said. She could tell he wasn't fine.

"I'll be okay Derek, I will. I don't think Jimmy can hurt me anymore.

"Okay" replied Derek. "You know, I'm not saying it has to be now. But eventually you're going to have to open up about yesterday. Talk about what happened. About what the hell you were thinking of, standing on that bridge. Jesus Karen! It doesn't ever have to get that bad for you to do that. What were you bloody well thinking?! You scared the hell out of me."

"I'm sorry Derek." She looked down, ashamed.

Derek got up, and walked over to Karen. He softly lifted her chin with his hand, until he was looking right into her eyes.

"I'm too far in now Miss Cartwright. You're stuck with me whether you like it or not, so you might as well tell me everything." She smiled, and nodded. She didn't deserve him.

"Thank you Derek." She softly kissed him on the cheek. "Ummmm, I was wondering ... would it be okay to please perform tonight. It's the last show at the MTW, and I think I need to. I mean, I don't want to tread on Emily's toes ..."

"Darling, it's your part. Of course that's okay, if you feel up to it. I'll speak to Emily but she'll totally understand. Just promise me you'll eat something first okay? A lot of something!"

She laughed. "Deal. I'm starving!"

"Well lucky for you, I just ordered us in breakfast. Should be here soon."

"What would I do without you!" she smiled, playfully twisting her finger into his shoulder. He looked bemused. They looked at each other, neither speaking, until the awkwardness, and silence, overwhelmed them.

"Ummm, Derek?" She looked down, unable to keep his gaze. "All those weeks ago, when you told me you had feelings for me."

"Don't worry about that now darling" he cut her off.

"I know. I just ... Derek, I care about you so much, and I think if, maybe, circumstances were different ... maybe you and I, you know. But I think, right now, I just need to get myself sorted. Be by myself. You understand right?"

"Of course I do darling" he smiled. "All I care about right now is that you get better, nothing else."

She looked back up at him. "We're friends though, right? I know I don't deserve you Derek, but I kind of cant do without you right now. I know that's selfish" she nervously laughed. "And I promise you, I'm going to cut down on all this crying. Even I'm getting sick of it!"

"Come here Miss Cartwright" Derek replied, taking a step towards her and engulfing her in his arms. "Of course we're friends. Always."

"Ew, Jesus you two" Ana was tenderly making her way down the stairs. "You might want to consider doing that in private. I'm too nauseous for PDA right now!"


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: After all the intense drama of the last few chapters I wanted to lighten things up a little bit. This chapter is a little bit of filler, but it's also important for the development of the Cartwills relationship, and actually it is pretty integral to how the story goes, so I hope you all enjoy. Don't worry though, it'll be back to being intense soon, lol. The story is def reaching the end stages now. I'm kind of doing a Safran, and regretting what I did to poor Karen in the prologue, but this whole story has been building up to that moment so I can't stop now! Oh and writing this story has got me annoyed again at how badly the Smash writers have always written Karen these past 2 seasons. It's not so hard to give her a little depth surely! Lol**

* * *

"I was about 8 years old, and my mom took me to the Civic Center in Des Moines to watch the touring production of Les Mis. I was hooked. I spent the next few weeks standing in the mirror, wearing my dad's trenchcoat, pretending to be Eponine, and singing 'On My Own' at the top of my lungs. Drove my parents crazy!"

Derek laughed. "I bet you were the most adorable little Eponine ever."

They were sitting on the steps at South Street Seaport, eating fish and chips, and watching the world go by. Derek had told Jerry in no uncertain terms that they needed another week to prepare for the Hit List Broadway previews, that everyone was exhausted, not least Karen, and that they all needed a few days off. Jerry didn't fight him. Even he was savvy enough to know that opening on Broadway without Karen, having already gone through the drama of losing Kyle and Jimmy, would only harm the show. And besides, Hit List was already sold out 6 months in advance, so it's financial success wasn't an issue. He could take the hit.

Karen had told Derek that a break for everyone meant a break for him too. "When was the last time you took a proper break from the theater?" she asked him. "Actually took a day off?" "Probably my sister's wedding" he replied ... "10 years ago."

"Oh my god Derek!" Karen hit him on the arm in astonishment. "Okay, that settles it. Tomorrow you and I are going to be serious tourists. Visit everywhere in Manhattan ... except Times Square and Broadway or course!" she laughed. "Deal?"

"Deal!"

They had an early breakfast at a great little place in the East Village Ana and her went to all the time. Karen had then dragged Derek around MOMA, before they took the elevator up to the top of the Empire State Building. She'd then taken him to her fave sushi restaurant in Washington Square for lunch.

"Where do you want to go next?" she asked.

"You've been the perfect tour guide so far, so you choose!" Derek replied.

"Okay, how about we stroll through Greenwich, and then we can head downtown to South Street Seaport for some good old British fish and chips! I love it there."

"Sounds perfect" Derek said. So as they sat on the steps at South Street Seaport, he hadn't felt this content in a long time. Maybe ever. They had such easy conversation and banter, he and Karen. He'd loved today, and he was more in love with her than ever.

The spark between them was there, he knew that. But he also knew Karen wasn't ready for anything other than friendship. She'd made that clear enough. It sent a pang through his heart to know that she might never be ready, and even worse, that when she was ready to give her heart away to someone again, that someone might not be him.

"So how about you?" she said, resting her head on his shoulder, as she stole one of his chips. "Hey Miss Cartwright! I've got my eyes on you! ... how about me what?"

"When did you know your life was in the theater? I mean, I refuse to believe you came out of your mother's womb as the Dark Lord!"

Derek laughed. "Let me see. I think it was probably the day my mum caught me standing in front of the mirror, wearing my dad's trenchcoat, singing 'On My Own' at the top of my voice."

"Oh my god, you liar!" she laughed, playfully bashing him on the arm ... I've had a really great day Derek, thank you!" She kissed him on the cheek. It was all he could do not to pull her in for a passionate kiss. She was just so lovely.

She rested her head back on his shoulder again, and they sat in contented silence for a few minutes, watching the ferries coming in.

Karen was getting back to her old self again, much to Derek's relief. She still had moments where she went back into her shell, but he knew that it was going to take time. She'd actually taken herself off to see a shrink. Someone Bobby used, which made Derek chuckle, and she seemed to be helping her no end.

Karen had since opened up to Derek about Jimmy, and the more she told him about his life, his terrible upbringing, the more Derek felt pity, rather than anger. He could understand now why a dreamer like Karen, with such a good heart, could be so drawn to him ... be so eager to try and fix him. Even after everything that had happened, Derek knew that she still cared for him, and somehow felt a little bit responsible for him. That was never going to change.

He would never tell Karen this, but the night she nearly killed herself, after Ana had gone to bed, he'd gone over to Jimmy's place. He wasn't sure what he was going to do, but he was pretty sure it would involve beating the crap out of him. However, when he got there, he found the door ajar, and Jimmy and his stuff gone. The place was emptied out. He didn't know where Jimmy had gone, but he didn't care as long as it was far away from Karen. He'd told her that he'd heard Jimmy had moved away. She simply nodded, but he could see the relief in her eyes.

"You know" he said after a while. "It looks like my 'My Fair Lady' revival is finally back on. Jerry and Eileen reached an understanding, and Jerry's happy for Eileen to go it alone. Obviously his generosity has nothing at all to do with all the money Hit List is going to make him!" He rolled his eyes. Karen smiled. "He really is the worst!"

He looked over at Karen. "You'd make a perfect Eliza Doolittle, you know that?! The audience would eat you up!"

Her eyes lit up in excitement. "Oh my, you'd let me audition?! I used to dream of playing Eiza Doolittle when I was younger. I must have seen the movie about 50 times! ... I have to warn you though, my English accent is woeful!" she joked.

"Sweetheart, you probably won't even need to audition. Eileen loves you, and I, well ... you'd get my vote."

"I don't want any special favours Derek" Karen said.

"I know, and you won't get any. But don't forget, Hit List is going to turn you into a big Broadway star Karen. You need to prepare yourself for that. After opening night, mark my words, the offers will come pouring in. We'll be having to fight to get you!"

"Let's just wait and see shall we? Hit List hasn't even opened on Broadway yet!" she laughed. "I just want to take each day at a time."

"Of course darling" he replied.

They sat together, quietly chatting, until the winter sun went in, and they both realised how cold they were. "I know a great place around the corner" Derek said, "that does the best hot chocolates in the city. What do you say?"

"I say lead the way Mr Wills!" She smiled at him. He took her hand in his, and they carefully made their way back down the steps, arm in arm. He wished this day could go on forever.


	15. Chapter 15

Karen couldn't believe this night had finally come. Her Broadway opening night debut, and as the lead in the most buzzed about show in years at that. She thought back to where she was a year earlier, and shook her head at how much had changed ... how much had happened!

A year ago she was just another dreamer, struggling even to get auditions, but with a boyfriend who she adored and who adored her back. When she thought of Dev now, however, it seemed like a whole different life entirely. He was always so proud to tell everyone his girlfriend was a star, but thinking back, maybe it was only ever the idea of her he loved.

She wondered if she'd still be with Dev if Ivy hadn't told her. Maybe, but things hadn't been good for a while. Dev didn't understand this world she was becoming a part of, and as much as Karen liked the idea of keeping her personal and professional life separate, it was pretty much impossible in the world of theater.

Derek had always understood her. Maybe that's why Dev had always been so jealous, so irrational, when it came to the two of them. It hadn't taken long for Karen to see right through Derek. Theater was his life, and nothing else seemed to matter, and screw a personal life. But Karen knew differently. She had the utmost respect and admiration for Derek the director, but it was the stripped back, caring, loving Derek that she'd fallen for.

The last few weeks of previews had been such a blur. She was thankful for the distraction of them if she was being honest. She'd been getting back on track but there were still moments when she found herself sinking back into herself, dark thoughts pervading. She still worried about Jimmy. Derek had told her he'd left town, but she couldn't shake the nagging feeling that it wasn't over.

She couldn't hate him. She knew she should, but she also knew how broken he was. She hoped that wherever he was he was in a better place. But it was always just hope rather than belief. Karen had Derek to help her through the dark times. Jimmy had no one. She'd told him that she would be there for him, but she'd left him just like everyone else. There was no getting away from that, however justified her actions.

As she sat in her dressing room, getting ready for the big night, she thought of Derek. She was always thinking of Derek lately. She was here because of him. She owed him everything. She owed him her life. He'd been such a rock to her. She knew she took him too much for granted, but she couldn't help it. She was starting to realise that she couldn't live without him.

They'd grown even closer over the past few weeks, and spent a lot of time together. She thought back to the day they ate fish and chips together, watching the world go by. She'd never felt as content as she had in that moment. Never felt so ... in love! Just acknowledging it to herself threw her. SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH DEREK WILLS! It scared her like nothing else. A part of her wanted to give herself to him entirely, but the rest of her was terrified ... terrified of opening her heart up again.

And besides, she didn't even know he felt the same way. He'd told her he had feelings for her, but that was before ... since then he'd seen her stripped bare, at her lowest point imaginable. Why would he even want to go there! She imagined the reasons he immersed himself in work and strayed away from meaningful relationships was because he hated the mess. Her mess would be enough to turn anyone off. They were better as friends, she knew that.

She heard a knock at the door, and Ana popped her head round. "Hey girl, let me guess ... you're thinking about Derek and talking yourself out of the fact that you two belong together, for the zillionth time today!"

Karen laughed, reddening. "There are other things I think about you know!"

"Sure there are" she winked, walking over to stand behind her best friend and wrapping her arms around her, looking at her through the reflection of the mirror. "Break a leg out there Karen, and just remember, no matter what happens ... YOU'RE A STAR!"

"OH MY GOD ANA, YOU'RE THE WORST!" Karen laughed, playfully whacking Ana on the arm.

"Yeah well, you wouldn't change me for the world!"

"I wouldn't" said Karen softly, tears forming in her eyes. "I love you girl. You don't know how much. Break a leg yourself out there tonight! ... let's do Kyle proud."

"Always."

The 10 minutes to curtains call came and Ana rushed off to prepare for the opening, leaving Karen again alone with her thoughts. Tonight would change everything for her career. Derek had told her she needed to prepare herself for it, for the craziness that would follow. Her mom and dad were going to be in the audience tonight, and she hoped she'd do them proud. She was proud of herself but she also knew she owed a lot of this to luck. She knew you had to take your chances in this business when they came along, and she wasn't going to let this one slip.

She made her way out to the wings, and could sense the excitement all around. The buzz in the theater was tangible. She shared a hug with Sam before she made her way onto the platform, behind the curtain, ready for her opener. She looked to the side of the stage where Derek had stood every night of previews, but he wasn't there tonight. She assumed he must be sitting up in the audience. She missed his presence. She wished she'd had a chance amidst the craziness of today to thank him ... for everything.

3 mins were signalled and Karen tried to compose herself. Just then she felt a presence behind her.

"I couldn't let you go on tonight without telling you how proud I am."

She felt him place his hands around her arms, and he leant in to kiss her on the cheek. She didn't turn round. She didn't need to.

"Thank you Derek. All of this ... it's because of you. Now get off the stage! I've heard your voice. I wouldn't wish that on anyone!" She could sense him smiling behind her.

"Karen... I, I just ... I just wanted to say that you're the best woman I've ever known. You make me want to be a better person. I mean, you infuriate the hell out of me, and you do crazy stupid things, but they just make me ... they make me love you more. Because I do love you Karen. I am in love with you. I love you for being the person that you are, and for being the person that you are trying to be. I'm head over heels crazy in love with you Karen Cartwright, so much so that I'm standing here right now making a complete and utter fool out of myself!" he laughed. "I'm not asking anything of you, I'm not ... but I had to tell you, in the hope that maybe, just maybe ... you felt the same way."

Karen could feel her heart starting to beat faster. Suddenly the theater grew silent, and she heard Ana's voice echoing out across the stage. She felt Derek let go of her.

"Derek!" she whispered, turning round to look at the man who had just opened up his heart to her ... but he was gone.


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: This chapter is kind of filler, sorry. I think I'm subconsciously putting off doing what I have to do! But I also didn't want to just rush things after trying to slowly build up Karen and Derek's relationship to this point. I'll post the next chapter tomorrow (Sun) ... it's a biggie, that's all I'll say, lol! I hope I do the subject matter justice. And thanks everyone for continuing to read. I'm loving writing this story.**

* * *

"Karen! Give me a hug sweetie. You were absolutely spectacular."

"Thank you Julia" Karen said, giving her a big hug. She'd grown close to Julia recently, and she was grateful for all that she had done to help after Kyle's death. "Kyle would have loved tonight! You know he'd have been freaking out right now, being in this party full of the who's who of Broadway!"

"I know!" laughed Julia. "He'd be busy getting everyone else's autographs, not the other way round, doh!"

They both laughed. It was Hit List's opening night party. Jerry had gone all out, and the cream of Broadway was there. Everyone wanted a part of Karen, Sam and Ana, and for good reason. They'd blown the roof off the theater.

Karen was on her third glass of fizz already. She needed it to calm her nerves, which had been all over the place since Derek had confessed his love to her a few hours earlier. She was so thrown by his words at the time she'd nearly missed her cue for 'Rewrite This Story'. She smiled, remembering what he'd said to her, cursing him at the same for deciding to say those 3 little words right at the most inopportune moment!

"Hey daydreamer! Everything okay?" Julia said.

"Sorry Julia!" Karen laughed, snapping back to reality. "I'm fine, thank you. Actually, I haven't been this fine in a long time ... ummm would you excuse me please. There's just something I need to do."

"Of course" Julia winked.

Karen smiled as she walked off. Nothing seemed to get past Julia. She needed to find Derek, but every time she tried to move off she got stopped by someone congratulating her on Hit List, on her performance. She'd already had 4 high profile producers buttering her up. Ridiculous, she thought. She was the same old singer she was a few hours ago, and yet now everyone wanted her for their next project.

* * *

He grabbed another drink off a passing tray. He needed it to calm his nerves. He knew the timing of his confession was terrible, but he needed to tell her before ... before the craziness of what would happen after opening night. He could already see, judging by the number of people wanting Karen's attention, that her life was going to change immeasurably. He wanted her to know that Karen Cartwright, the dreamer from Iowa, was the girl he was madly in love with, and not Karen Cartwright, Broadway star.

He'd watched her perform tonight with so much pride. She gave a stunning performance. There was so much emotion in her portrayal, and he was amazed how appealing she had made Amanda. The audience had been transfixed. The would be suicide scene was tough to watch. Every emotion he saw from her up there on stage, as Amanda contemplated ending it all, he knew was real, was so raw. He couldn't imagine how much that scene must affect her every night, having to relive her own darkest moment.

"Derek?"

He spun around to see Karen's mom and dad in front of him.

"Roger, Beth!" he smiled, shaking Roger's hand and giving Beth a kiss. "Didn't your girl do well!"

"I'm the smuggest proudest mom in the world right now" laughed Beth, tears in her eyes. "She did us so proud, but then she's always made us proud. Your show is truly wonderful Derek ... thank you."

"No need to thank me" said Derek. "Just doing my job."

"She means for Karen" said Roger. "I know how much you mean to her, and how much you've helped her get through all the Dev fallout. And I don't know the details of all this Jimmy stuff, but Karen told us that everything was okay because you'd made it okay. Thank you Derek."

Derek smiled at the thought of Karen saying nice things to her parents about him. He didnt imagine many of the previous women in his life ringing home to wax lyrical about him. He'd always been the type of guy you'd hope your parents never found out about! He didn't blame them.

"I've nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for your daughter" he said. "I've seen many a leading lady have this moment that Karen's had tomight, but I don't think I've ever been as proud of any of them as I am of Karen right now."

They chatted for a few more minutes, before Karen's mom and dad excused themselves. They were shattered and wanted to go and say goodbye to Karen before heading back to their hotel. Derek wondered what Karen had told them about the past few weeks. Probably not a lot, which was probably for the best.

He thought back again to that night on the bridge. He'd promised her he wouldn't let her down. That he'd save her. But really, she'd done it all herself.

"Oh god, not you as well!" Julia had made her way over to him.

"Not me as well what?" he said, bemused.

"Daydreaming! And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out about what ... or who!"

He smiled. "She's the best girl I've ever known Julia."

Julia smiled. "I know. She's looking for you by the way!" She gave him a knowing look.

Derek laughed. "Julia Houston, you are incorrigible! ... now if you'll excuse me, I need to go prise Karen away from whichever lecherous director or producer has her trapped right now. That role belongs to me!" They both laughed.

He eventually found her. She was standing in the corner of the piano room, talking to Bobby and Jessica, laughing at whatever inappropriate stories Bobby was no doubt telling her! She didnt see him looking at her. She looked so radiant, so happy. He didn't want to dare hope that he might have something to do with that. He'd lain bare his soul to her tonight. He didn't deserve it, but he hoped that he'd be given a chance in life at love, with her.

He grabbed one more drink off another passing tray. Dutch courage!


	17. Chapter 17

"You, my darling, were stunning" he said, kissing her on the cheek. They loved you out there."

Her heart skipped a beat. "Derek you have to stop creeping up on me like this!" she smiled, turning around to face him. God he looked handsome in his tux! She was nervous. Maybe she should wait until another night. No, she told herself! She needed to tell him now or else she'd talk herself out of it. She fiddled with his bow tie, putting off the moment.

"You scrub up pretty well for a scruff bag" she teased.

He laughed. "You on the other hand, Miss Cartwright, could have made a little bit more of an effort! ... you look beautiful" he whispered in her ear. "

"Thank you" she blushed.

Karen looked just stunning. She was wearing a pale green dress, cut above the knee, with a plunging neckline that left little to the imagination, yet she still made it look classy.

"Did you catch your parents before they left?" Derek asked.

"Yeah. They loved the show, so I think all is finally forgiven for Bombshell!" she laughed. "And I don't know what you said to my mom but she seemed pretty smitten when she left."

"What can I say, it's my natural charm."

"Yeah, which no one EVER sees!" teased Karen.

"So" said Derek. "Opening night on Broadway. Was it everything you ever imagined?"

"You know what, it was, and more so ... as cheesy as that sounds! I wish Kyle could have been here to see it all, to take it all in. We owe it all to him. "

"What, the brilliant, enigmatic, visionary director gets no credit whatsoever?"

"You are so full of yourself!" laughed Karen, playfully whacking him on the arm. "You know this show would be nothing without you."

Karen could barely control her nerves. She could feel herself shaking.

"Ummm, Derek? You know I would be nothing without you too right? What you said to me tonight, right before the show started, which by the way, I still haven't forgiven you for. You have terrible timing!" She laughed, giving him another playful whack. Why was she acting like a lovesick teen! "The thing is, I ..."

She was suddenly distracted by a commotion behind her, and turned around to see what was going on. It was then that she saw him.

Karen gasped, instinctively grabbing hold of Derek. Jimmy was walking towards them. He was clearly off his face and in a highly agitated state. She suddenly noticed that in one hand he was holding what appeared to be a gun, which he was waving around, causing panic in the room.

"Oh god Derek, he's got a gun" Karen whispered, voice trembling.

"I know. Let me handle this okay!"

Jimmy stopped about 6 feet from them. Karen could see how far gone he was. His eyes were crazed.

"We'll well well, isn't this cosy! Derek Wills and Karen Cartwright. Broadway's hottest new couple! I thought it would be rude not to come along and congratulate you on your big night. I mean, it's my big night too" he laughed "but who the hell cares that I actually wrote the damn thing!"

"Jimmy, please ..." Karen started to say, but was immediately cut off.

"Shut up Karen! I'm done listening to anything you have to say to me!"

"Jimmy!" Derek sounded so calm. "Jimmy, just put the gun down and let's have an adult conversation about this."

"What, you mean the conversation where we talk about how you stole Karen from me, poisoned her mind against me? Okay, let's talk about that shall we?"

"Jimmy" Karen said soothingly. "Whatever happened between you and me, that was my choice. I'm sorry I hurt you, I truly am, but it has nothing to do with Derek, or anyone. I swear to you ... let's go and talk about this you and me, no one else. I want to help you Jimmy."

He was shaking his head,and Karen knew her words hadn't gone in. He was too far gone.

"No, you're lying Karen!" Jimmy shouted. "Everything was fine before they got to you. We loved each other! I still love you!" he started to sob, and Karen could see so much pain. Despite everything, a part of her wanted to hug him so tight to make everything okay. He was such a lost little boy. He looked at her through his tears, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry for what I did to you Karen. I hope one day you can forgive me. I, I told you that I couldn't live without you, and I can't."

He suddenly placed the barrel of the gun against his head, readying to pull the trigger.

"JIMMY, NO!" Karen screamed.

Her cries startled him, and he pulled the gun away, looking at her. "See Karen, see?!" he pleaded. "You're the only one who still cares for me. Don't you see? We don't need anybody else."

She nodded. "I do Jimmy. I do care for you. Now please, put the gun down, and you and me ... we'll work through this together, okay? I promise you."

She took a step to walk towards him, but suddenly felt Derek grab her arm to stop her. She knew he was trying to protect her, but his movement had the effect of snapping Jimmy back into his state of agitation.

"No" he whispered quietly, menacingly. "You see I can't do that Karen. Don't you see" he said, looking at Derek. "He'll never let us be together."

He suddenly lifted his arm up again, this time taking aim directly at Derek.

"No, Jimmy, please!" Karen pleaded. "Please put the gun down. If you love me, you'll put the gun down. This has nothing to do with Derek, please!"

"IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH DEREK! It's always just been you and me Karen." He was waving his arms uncontrollably, and Karen could sense the panic among the guests "I'm starting to see. It's only him who's standing in the way of us being together." He lifted his arm again to take aim at Derek again.

"Jimmy please!" Karen cried. "You don't have to do this. Please don't hurt him" she begged.

Suddenly Derek moved across Karen, so he was standing between her and Jimmy.

"Derek don't!" pleaded Karen.

"Come on then Collins. Let's see what you're made of. Shoot me!" He was daring Jimmy, which seemed to throw him. "Come on, shoot me! Here I am. If it'll mean getting you away from Karen forever, then it's worth it. Because the moment you do this Jimmy, you know it's over. You and Karen, finished. "

Karen saw Jimmy start to waiver, and felt an overwhelming amount of love rush through her for this bloody minded Brit who was willing to put his life on the line for her.

"Jimmy" Derek continued, quietly now. "Put the gun down son, and we'll get you some help. Karen will be there for you. God knows why after what you've done to her, but she will."

Jimmy looked at Karen, who nodded. "I promise you Jimmy."

Jimmy started to sob again, and she saw him break down completely, lowering his arm, the gun now pointing towards the floor, away from harm.

"POLICE! Put the gun down Mr Collins!"

Someone must have called the cops, and Jimmy spun around, startled by the interruption.

"No, no, no. You tricked me!" he shouted, looking at Derek, suddenly moving to point the gun at him again. Instinctively Karen moved forward, throwing herself in front of Derek."

"NO JIMMY!" she screamed.

What happened next was a blur. The room was suddenly deafened by the sound of gunshots. She heard people screaming all around her, panic everywhere. She saw Jimmy fall, his blood starting to spread around him.

"Oh my god, Karen!"

She looked up, and saw Julia rushing towards her, a look of horror on her face. It was then that she felt something running down her dress. Something hot and sticky. She looked down in confusion. A red liquid was starting to flow down her chest. The realisation suddenly hit her. Her legs started to give way, and she suddenly felt strong arms take hold of her.

"Derek!" she gasped, collapsing in his arms to the ground.

"Karen" he was pleading. "Oh my god, Karen. Someone get help now, please! ... Karen, Karen? Look at me darling."

She felt him place his hand on her chest, to try and stem the flow of blood. She looked up at him, and by the look of panic in his eyes, she knew this wasn't good. She couldn't breathe.

"Derek" she spluttered. "Are you okay? I, I don't feel so good."

"I'm fine sweetheart. Just don't try and talk."

She could sense a whole lot of activity around her. She looked over at where Jimmy lay. People were tending to him, but even in her current state, she knew he was dead. Julia was kneeling next to her now, comforting her, and she felt her press a towel to her chest.

Julia, I can't stop the bleeding" she heard Derek say. Karen looked down to where Derek was holding the towel to her wound. The bullet had hit her in the chest, just above her right breast. Her dress was already stained red, and her blood was starting to spread across the floor in an ever increasing pool. She was desperately trying to catch her breath, but couldn't, and was starting to panic. She didn't feel much pain. She suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that this is what it must be like to drown. She couldn't breathe, and she was shivering uncontrollably.

"Derek I'm so cold" she whispered.

She felt someone wrap a jacket around her. She grabbed at Derek's arms. She needed to know he was with her.

"It's okay sweetheart" she heard him say. "I'm here, I'm not letting go. Help's coming now. They'll make you feel better in no time." He kissed her forehead.

Everything was starting to go fuzzy now. She looked around the room, and could see her friends, concern etched on their faces. Ana was crying, being comforted by Eileen. "It's okay Ana" she managed to whisper. "It's okay." She had no idea how long she stayed like that for, in Derek's arms. She was so cold.

"Mom, dad" she whispered.

"It's okay darling, they'll be here with you in no time"

She nodded weakly. She was glad they weren't here right now, to have to see this.

She looked back up at Derek. She needed to tell him. She didn't have much time.

"Derek, Derek?"

"I'm here sweetheart, just don't try to talk." No, no, why wouldn't he let her tell him!

"Please Derek! I, I" She was struggling to speak now. She was so cold ... so tired.

"Ssshhhh sweetheart. Don't try and talk now. We can have this conversation tomorrow when you're feeling up to it."

She felt her eyes starting to close. She couldn't keep them open. She needed to tell him. Tell him that she loved him too. Tell him that he was the love of her life. He had to know she felt the same way. She looked into his eyes. He was crying. He was holding her so tight. She knew this was the end, and in that moment she had an overwhelming feeling of being home.

"I know" she heard him say, as as the life started to slip away from her. It was all she needed to hear before everything went dark.

* * *

**AN: okay that was tough write. :( I know it was all a bit melodramatic, but I've been building up to this moment for ages, so just kind of went for it, lol. Story's not quite over yet. I've been struggling so much with the ending, and have written about 3 different ones, but think I'll probably end up going with my first. Stay tuned. I'll try and post it today. Thanks for continuing to read.**


	18. Chapter 18

9 MONTHS LATER ...

"You were quite wonderful Miss Doolittle" he said, kissing his gorgeous leading lady on the cheek. "Audrey herself would have been proud."

"Thank you Derek" she said bashfully. "You weren't so bad yourself!" she teased. "What say we skip this madness and go celebrate somewhere a little more private?"

He looked at the gorgeous, doe eyed brunette in front of him. She was talented, beautiful, a total sweetheart ... but she wasn't Karen.

He smiled at her. "That's a lovely offer Sophie, but believe me, you wouldn't want to touch someone like me. I'm no good for anyone anymore."

She nodded. She understood. "Well maybe you let me know when you are" she smiled regretfully. "You know Derek, sooner or later we've all got to let go of our past."

He headed to the bar, the only place that seemed to make sense to him anymore, and ordered a large scotch. It was the Broadway opening night party of My Fair Lady. Sophie had been a revelation, and she'd be sweeping all the awards, Derek was sure of it.

If he'd had his own way he'd never have directed another show again, but Julia wouldn't give up on him. They'd become close in the past year, and she had helped him through his darkest moments. Through the pain of what happened that night. The pain of losing Karen. He'd struggled badly with the guilt. That bullet was meant for him.

"What the hell was she thinking Julia?!" He'd said to her one night, as Julia found him propped up against one of New York's less salubrious bars, in a fit of rage and tears. "What was she trying to prove? I was meant to be looking after her, protecting her from Jimmy. That bullet was meant for me."

"Derek, nothing that happened was down to you. Jimmy was sick, and couldn't be helped. Don't ever forget that. The last thing Karen would want would be to see you like this, believe me ... otherwise maybe she would have thought twice before ..."

Julia was right, of course, and it was enough to get Derek directing again, even he was just going through the motions. He hadn't been able to return to Hit List though, that's one thing he couldn't do. The show show seemed cursed to him now, and even the songs, 'The Love I Meant To Say', 'Heart Shaped Wreckage', and 'Broadway Her I Come' seemed to be written for him and Karen.

Of course, Hit List had only gone on from strength to strength since opening night. Jerry, the heartless snake that he was, had managed to use his not inconsiderable skills to turn tragedy into triumph, and Hit List had become a true phenomenon. It was already a fantastic show, but on a wave of media attention, emotion and sympathy, it had swept the Tonys. Karen had received a nomination and won for Lead Actress, despite her opening night show being her first and last performance, something that had never happened before.

Ana had talked Derek into attending the ceremony. He ultimately went for Karen, and nearly broke down when accepting the award for her. He wished he could keep her trophy. Sending it back to Iowa was one of the hardest things he did. It took him further away from her, and her further away from him, and Broadway.

Maybe that's why he chose to direct My Fair Lady in the end. Hit List was too raw, too painful for him, but My Fair Lady allowed him to keep that connection alive in a way he could live with. He knew it wasn't healthy, and the choice of leading lady didn't help. Sophie Saunders was an ingenue straight off the bus from Kansas. Naive, sweet, beautiful, big brown eyes. She reminded him of Karen in so many ways, but every reminder of her only underlined to him that Sophie wasn't her.

Tonight had been one of the hardest nights for him. As proud as he was of Sophie, the only leading lady he wanted to be congratulating, whispering sweet nothing's to, was Karen, like the way he had done on Hit List's opening night, before ..."

He buried his head in his hand, and ordered another large scotch. He had to stop torturing himself like this. Karen was gone. She wasn't coming back.

He sensed someone come and sit next to him at the bar.

"It's okay Julia" he smiled. "It's only my 2nd, I promise!"

"Tough night huh?!"

"I've had better."

"You know, there's a lot of people out there who want to talk to you Derek."

He smiled. "They can cope without me, believe me!" He smiled... "She'd have been a wonderful Eliza you know."

"She would."

"You know what gets me?" Derek said after a while.

"What?"

"Most of my life, I've been this cynical prick. I work in this industry that sells itself on dreams, most of of the time on the promise of a happy ever after. But I always thought it was bullshit, until I met Karen. Now that she's gone I'd give anything for my dream to come true."

Julia smiled. "Maybe it's because I always believed in fairy tales, or maybe I'm just not a cynical old fart like you are" she teased "but I still believe in them Derek. Dreams. That's the thing about life. It always surprises you."

She got up off her stool and kissed Derek on the forehead. "Get yourself home safe okay?"

Derek finished his scotch and slowly made his way out. He hailed a cab, giving the taxi driver his destination. There was only one place he wanted to be right now.


	19. Chapter 19

It was quiet when he got there. The restaurants were clearing out, and the shops were long since closed. He'd been back here a few times in the last 9 months. To get closure, he'd told himself. Well tonight it was just to be close to her, sod closure. He walked past the stall where they'd bought their fish and chips, and smiled, remembering her stealing his chips as they sat, watching the world go by.

He was walking to the spot they'd sat, chatting away, oblivious to anyone and everyone else around them. She was perfect that day. He remembered how much he'd wanted to kiss her. He couldn't believe he had never gotten to kiss her.

When he was nearly at the spot, he slowed down. A girl, with her back to him, was sitting there. For a second his heart skipped a beat. From the back she reminded him so much of Karen. The way she sat hugging her knees, head rested on top of them. But her hair was darker, a little shorter.

He moved a little closer when the realisation suddenly stopped him in his tracks. He looked at her again. His heart started to beat faster. He couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe this was real.

"Karen?" he said, disbelievingly

She looked around instinctively at the sound of her name.

"Derek!" she managed to stutter, immediately standing up, a look of utter shock on her face.

They both stood there staring, not moving, as if neither could quite comprehend what was happening, the shock of seeing each other freezing them to the spot.

Derek was struggling to contain his emotions, and he could tell she was too. He still wasn't quite sure this wasn't a dream. One thing was certain, she was lovelier than ever. Her highlights had grown out and her hair was now cut to about shoulder length. Soft waves framed her face. Her eyes were as gorgeous as they'd ever been, and even now he could see them glowing. She looked so well. So beautiful.

She eventually broke the silence that was threatening to overwhelm them. "Derek ... I, I, I'm sorry" she finally managed to stutter. "I shouldn't have come"

She moved to walk away, but he caught up to her quickly, and took her arm in his hand.

"Karen, wait!" he said.

"Let me go Derek." She was panicking he could see that. She pulled away from him, and started to run off, up the steps, away from him.

"So that's it?!" he shouted. "I don't even get an explanation?! It's all you ever do Karen Cartwright, RUN AWAY!"

She stopped at his words. He could tell she was probably crying. He slowly walked up to her until he was behind her, and softly put his hands on her shoulders. She was shaking. He wasn't much better himself. Just touching her again, it was almost too much for him to take.

"Karen? ... what are you running away from?" he asked.

"You" she whispered.

* * *

8 MONTHS EARLIER ...

"You're a lucky girl Karen. You need to take it easy, and don't over-do it. And make sure you take all your meds, I'll be checking up on you!"

"I will" she smiled. "Thank you Dr Shah ... for everything."

She was in her hospital room with her mom, dad and Derek, having finally been given the okay to be discharged. She'd been in there a month. The night she was shot they'd nearly lost her. She'd had to be resuscitated twice. Once by the paramedics at the party, and again during surgery. The doctor had told everyone to prepare for the worst given the amount of blood loss, and her internal injuries, but she'd somehow pulled through.

Derek hadn't left her side those first few days. She'd felt his presence. His love had pulled her through, she was sure of that. The doctors said it would be a slow recovery, but a full one.

The days that followed were tough. She struggled with the guilt of Jimmy's death. She struggled with the guilt of not going to the police earlier and consequently putting her friends in danger at the party. But most of all she struggled with the guilt of what she'd done to Derek. He nearly died because of her. His unconditional love of her meant he was willing to take a bullet for her. She didn't deserve it, or him.

All Derek had ever done was clean up her mess, fix her up in her darkest times. Boston, Kyle's death, Jimmy, standing on that bridge, and now this. He deserved more than her. He needed more than her. She didn't want to hurt him like this anymore. He shouldn't have to spend a second longer worrying about her. She wanted him to be happy, and all she ever seemed to do was cause him worry and pain. She made her decision, even though she knew it would be the hardest thing she ever did.

"You ready to go sweetie?" her mom asked. "That plane's not going to wait forever."

Karen nodded. "Will you and dad just give me a few minutes please?"

"Sure honey, we'll just be outside."

When they left Derek moved towards her, and took her in his arms. Karen had to force herself to pull away or else she might never be able to let go.

"You make sure you take care of yourself Miss Cartwright, and get yourself well again. As long as it takes. Hit List will be waiting for you when you get back ... and of course My Fair Lady!" he smiled.

"Derek."

"So I was thinking I'd come visit you in a couple of weeks, once you're settled back home."

"Derek!"

"You know I can't wait to visit the place where little Karen Cartwright grew up!"

"Derek, stop, please!"

She placed her hand on his chest, forcing herself to look him in the eyes.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Derek, when I go home to Iowa ... I'm not coming back."

"What do you mean you're not coming back? he replied, not understanding.

"I mean, I'm not coming back here, to New York ... ever!"

Derek was incredulous. "Don't be ridiculous Karen. Broadway's your life. It's all you've ever wanted."

"Derek, please don't make this any harder than it already is for me." She was trying not to cry. She couldn't let him see her cry."

"Don't make it any harder?!" He was starting to raise his voice. "This is a bloody ridiculous decision Karen, even by your standards!"

Karen felt a sudden pain in her chest, and reached to sit back down on the bed. It had the instant effect of calming Derek, who immediately reached out to steady, and help her sit down.

"I'm sorry for shouting. Just take a deep breath okay?"

"Please don't be nice to me" she whispered.

"Karen? Look at me! ... what about us?"

"What about us?" she said coldly, turning to look at him.

"Don't play games with me Karen, Jesus! I love you, and, and, I know that you love me Karen. What's happened, we'll get through all of it together."

"No Derek" she said, shaking her head. She couldn't look at him. "I don't love you. I'm sorry."

"Bullshit Karen! Whatever this is ... if you're scared? You don't need to be okay? You've gotten through worse times. Let me help you get through this, you and me."

"There is no you and me Derek, don't you get that? There never was. The only person I've ever given my heart to is Jimmy!"

She knew that had hurt him, and she still couldn't bring herself to look up at him. She was trying to control her own emotions. To stop herself from breaking down. This was the only way. He couldn't follow her. She wouldn't let him. She eventually forced herself to look him in the eyes.

"I, I don't love you Derek. I never have, I'm sorry!"

She stood to leave.

"Karen please don't do this" he pleaded.

"I have to" she whispered. "I can't be here anymore. This city. There's too much pain, too many bad memories. I can't be part of this world anymore. Broadway. I'm pretty sure it's trying to tell me something!"

"Derek?" she said to him tenderly. "You have no idea how grateful I'll always be for what you've done for me. For, for our friendship."

"Friendship" he gently laughed, shaking his head, looking down at the bed.

"Goodbye Derek" she said, tears now beginning to gently fall, as she kissed him on the top of his head. "You be happy okay."

She couldn't believe this was the end. She reached the door, and turned to look at him one more time. He was sitting on the bed, broken, trying to process everything she'd just told him. She slowly turned around, and walked away from him ... forever.

* * *

PRESENT DAY ...

"Karen?" she heard him say gently to her. "Turn around and look at me."

She did as he said. She didn't want him to see the tears flowing down her face.

"You don't get to run away from me again ... at least until you bloody well tell me what you're doing here!"

* * *

**AN: okay, I literally rewrote and rewrote and rewrote this chapter, so I hope you like it. And come on, I was never going to kill Karen, lol! I'm sorry if the last chapter made it seem like I definitely had. I was trying not to use the 'dead' word, and keep a tiny glimmer of hope, but yeah, maybe I overdid it a bit, so sorry about that! Just one more chapter to go. I hope you read till the end. Thanks everyone for all your reviews. I really do appreciate them.**


	20. Chapter 20

They sat there for a long time, side by side, neither speaking. There was so much to say but she didn't even know where to start, or what's she even wanted to tell him. She didn't know what she wanted anymore. She thought she had, which is how she'd ended up back in New York in the first place, but then the reality of being there had hit her and she'd run away again, just like Derek said.

He was still in a state of shock, she could see that.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again" he said eventually.

"I didn't plan on seeing you either" she whispered. "I'm sorry Derek." She looked across at him, but he wouldn't look at her, his eyes firmly rooted to the floor.

"Derek. After what happened, I was a mess. When I went home, I didn't have any intention of coming back. I thought that my life here, Broadway, was cursed, and I couldn't see past that. And you, you got me through all of it Derek. I felt you you know, in the hospital. I knew you were with me, and you gave me the strength to pull through. I knew that you'd want to be there for me, to help me through the bad times ... and, and I just couldn't do that to you again Derek."

Her voice was cracking as the memories came flooding back to her.

"You'd already done too much for me, dealing with the mess of my bad decisions. You deserved so much better than me. Me leaving, it was for the best you know! You could get on with your life without the burden of my life to deal with. And I, I needed to get away from here, to get better somewhere that wasn't a constant reminder of everything that had gone before. I made the decision to never come back because I knew that if I did I'd want to see you, and I knew I couldn't let that happen. I didn't want to hurt you anymore."

"You didn't want to hurt me?!" he suddenly said, bitterly. "Let me tell you what hurt me. What hurt me was you throwing everything away! You dismissed everything we had together like we were nothing, like I was nothing! You tore my bloody heart out Karen, I didn't know what to think. It was for me to bloody well decide, not you! Because that's what people do Karen, when they love someone. It's for better and worse. Me looking after you, taking care of you, helping you get through the bad times, it was never a bloody burden. I did it because I loved you, and bad stuff happened to you, and you needed someone to take care of you, and that someone was me. So thank you Karen for not wanting to hurt me anymore, BUT IT DIDN'T BLOODY WELL WORK!"

She nodded. It was all she could do. She was fighting back tears.

"I'm sorry Derek" she whispered. "But please believe me when I say I was only thinking of you."

"Thinking of me? Thinking of me?!" he laughed. "Bullshit Karen! If you were thinking of me you wouldn't have destroyed everything we had, everything we could have had! Jesus, it takes more time to order takeout than it took for you to rip me from your life in that hospital room!"

He was starting to lose it now, and Karen could see the bitterness emptying out of him.

"I can't talk to you when you're like this" she said.

"Like what Karen?! I'm like this because that's how bloody mad you make me!"

She stood up to leave. Her emotions were getting the better of her, and she needed to get away.

"What, now you can't even do me the decency of finishing your oh so sad story?!" he said, sarcastically.

"Another time Derek."

"Another time?" he laughed. "When the hell will that be? This time next year? I tell you what, lets make this an annual event and I'll put it in my diary. 'KAREN CARTWRIGHT TELLS DEREK WILLS HOW SHE BROKE HIS HEART!"

"Do you think this was easy for me Derek?" she suddenly snapped. "Because it wasn't. Leaving you behind was the hardest thing I ever did. It broke my heart too you know. You weren't the only one hurting! But I haven't spent the last 9 months wallowing in a pit of self-pity either!"

"No, but that's not your style is it Karen! Easier to just throw yourself off the nearest bridge instead!"

Silence suddenly overwhelmed them. He buried his head in his hands, and she knew he instantly regretted saying it.

"Karen, I'm sorry, I didn't mean ..."

"No, no" she said. "It's me who's sorry Derek, truly I am. One day I hope that you can forgive me."

She moved to kiss him on the head, but stopped herself. She turned to walk away from him again, tears starting to fall, cursing herself for ever coming back. She needed to get out of here. She flagged a passing taxi as soon as she reached the road.

"Where to?" he asked, as she climbed in.

"The airport please. JFK."

* * *

What the hell was wrong with him! Why had he lashed out like that?! He sprinted up the steps to try and catch her, but it was too late. He saw the taxi door shut before he had the chance to call out to her.

"You idiot!" he berated himself. She'd come back, and she was trying to explain, but 8 months of built up hurt and anger had rushed out of him. He wished he could take it all back. And now she was gone again.

She was right. He had been wallowing in self-pity. He thought back to what she said, that she didn't want to hurt him anymore. Well, he was doing a good enough job of that himself. Always pressing that self-destruct button. And now he'd never know why.

He slumped down onto the curb, head in hands again, broken. The shock of seeing her again was almost too much. She looked so well, so radiant, so beautiful, he still wasn't entirely sure it wasn't a dream. Or a nightmare.

* * *

The birds were tweeting by the time he finally made it back to his block. He'd been wandering the streets for hours, trying to make sense of everything, but none of it did. All he knew was that he'd lost her all over again before he'd barely even found her.

"Oh, morning Mr Wills" said Jeff, the doorman, as Derek arrived at his apartment. "I didn't realise you were still out. I guess I must have missed Miss Cartwright leaving."

"I'm sorry?!" he said.

"Miss Cartwright. She arrived a few hours ago and I sent her upstairs, but I guess she must have left when ..."

Derek was already at the elevator, impatiently bashing at the button. His heart was beating so fast. "Please let her be there, please let her be there!" he prayed. He didn't care to who, just as long as someone answered him.


	21. Chapter 21

"Karen? Karen?! Wake up sleepyhead!"

She stirred at the sound of her name and slowly opened her eyes. For a moment she forgot where she was, but when she saw him crouching in front of her it all came flooding back. She had a crick in her neck from the way she'd been sleeping, arms hugging her legs with her head resting on her knees.

Derek was looking at her, a small smile on his face. "Hey" was all he managed.

"Hey" she said, still half asleep. "What time is is?"

"4.30am" he smiled, apologetically.

I thought you'd left again" he said, regretfully. "I wouldn't have blamed you if you had."

"I nearly did. I was halfway to the airport when I realised I can't keep running from this. I knew you'd have to come back here eventually, although I wasn't quite sure what state you'd be in when you did!" she laughed. She saw him smile.

"Karen, I'm sorry for the way I lashed out before. I'm such an idiot. Just seeing you tonight, there ... you have no idea how much it threw me. And what I said about ..."

"Derek, it's okay" she said softly. "I understand ... Derek? Can we do this again? This conversation. "

"I'd like that" he said, reaching to take her hand, as he helped her up. Just the touch of his hand grasping hers was enough to send a shiver through her. He was nervous she could tell, and was fumbling to get into the door with his key card.

"Bloody stupid card" he grumbled. Karen couldn't help but smile. He eventually unlocked it, and opened the door, moving aside to let Karen in. It was just as she remembered, except emptier somehow. She wandered over to the window, and gazed out at the city.

"This view never gets old" she said.

"You miss it?" he said, coming to stand next to her.

"The view?"

"New York."

"Sometimes" she said truthfully. "But not as much as I thought I would. It doesn't seem real now, my life here, when I think of it. It all got a little crazy there at the end huh?! And you know, I'm doing good back in Iowa. I'm teaching music and drama at a lovely little school. I'm healthy."

"You look well" he said. "They're lucky you know"

"Who?" she said.

"Your school kids, they're lucky to have you ... You're wasted over there you know. They must think all their Christmases have come at once, but you, with your talents ... you belong here Karen."

She looked across at him, and smiled. "Derek you look terrible" she said softly. "Why don't you go and have a shower, get cleaned up. I'll order us some food in. I think we could both do with something to eat ... then we can talk."

He nodded. "That's probably a good idea."

She watched him head up the stairs, and wondered if she was doing the right thing. She was terrified. But she knew she owed him at least an explanation. What happened after that was what scared her the most.

She found the number of the Chinese her and Derek would often get takeout from, and ordered some food, then headed to Derek's kitchen. She needed a drink. She found an open bottle of red and poured herself a large glass, and sat herself at the counter. It instantly reminded her of Ana, and she smiled thinking about her best friend. They'd kept in touch, but she missed having her around.

She was lost in thought when the buzzer went. She paid for the chinese and was unbagging everything when Derek came down, hair adorably messy, wearing black sweats and a grey t-shirt, looking a million times better.

"All good?" she said.

"All good" he replied, smiling. He saw the large glass of wine and laughed. "Found the wine I see! At least Ana's not here to drink me out of my vintage collection!"

"I was just thinking of her" Karen laughed. "My girl's done good, tearing up Broadway, first with Hit List and now with her new show. I'm so proud of her you know!"

"Me too. She deserves all the success that comes her way."

They ate their food, and chatted about Broadway, Derek filling Karen in on what everyone was up to, laughing at the latest antics of Bobby and co. Karen had a warm feeling inside. God she'd missed their easy banter. She knew there was a more serious conversation to be had, and she wished it wasn't hanging over them.

They made their way to the sofa after they'd eaten and Derek topped up her wine, pouring himself a scotch.

"Drinking at 6am! There's something seriously wrong about that!" she laughed.

"Yeah well, I reckon we need it!"

She curled herself up so she was facing him. They looked at each other for a long time, neither speaking. She could feel her heart beating so loudly she was convinced Derek could hear it.

"Why did you come here Karen? Back to New York" he asked eventually.

"Do you want the long or the short answer? ... I came back Derek because of you."

She looked down quickly, not daring to see his reaction.

"Derek, what I was saying before, how I knew I couldn't come back because if I did I'd want to see you. Well, well the thing is, it didn't matter anyway. You see, I was thousands of miles away in Iowa, but I could never really leave it all behind, however hard I tried to, because ..."

She forced herself to look at him. Tears were building up in her eyes and all the emotions of the past year came flooding out.

" ... because I could never stop thinking about you Derek. Because I could never stop loving you."

He was trying to hold it together too, and she saw him shift on the sofa, moving a little closer to her so they were at touching distance.

"You love me" he whispered finally. Karen wasn't sure if it was a statement or a question.

"Derek, I love you so much. I've been in love with you for so long that I'm not even sure when it first happened. I, I was going to tell you, trying to tell you, the night of the party, and then well ... stuff got in the way!" she laughed, regretfully.

She could see him smile at her, tears starting to build in his eyes, but he didn't say anything.

"I, I wanted to come back here. No, I wanted to come back here _to you_ so many times. I even got as far as the airport a few times, but something always stopped me."

"What?"

"I don't know. I guess it was a number of things, but mainly it was me realising I was being selfish. I'd made my choice. I knew I'd hurt you. God Derek I didn't realise how much, and I'm sorry" she said, voice breaking. "If you were happy, I didn't want to get in the way of that. But I think part of me was also scared. Scared you'd moved on." She chuckled. "Back to me being selfish I guess! I was scared you'd found someone, that you were in love with someone else. For all I knew you were hooked up with Ivy!" she laughed.

"So what changed?" he asked.

"Julia called me a few weeks ago. We've kept in touch since I went home. She was calling for a 'chat' she said." Karen smiled. "I asked after you, I couldn't help myself. She said you were busy with My Fair Lady, and that you were doing okay, but giving everyone hell!" Karen laughed at the memory of past rehearsals. "I read between the lines you know. I don't think she wanted to burden me or something, given what had happened. But then she said that all you needed was a good country girl to keep you honest. I could practically feel her winking down the phone!"

Derek laughed.

"I nearly got on the plane there and then, but I didn't want to get in the way of your show, and you know my past history with 'tech'!" she smiled. "But, I had to come tonight Derek. I knew it would be tough for you given that ... well you know. I guess I selfishly hoped it would be tough for you because that might mean ..." She couldn't finish the sentence.

"The show's wonderful Derek."

"You saw it?!" Derek said, a look of surprise on his face.

She nodded. "Eileen hooked me up with a ticket. It truly is wonderful. Sophie is a magical Eliza" she smiled.

"Then, then why were you there, down at the Seaport?" he asked. "Why didn't you come and find me?"

"I did come to find you, at the party. But then I saw you ... with Sophie."

He shook his head. "Karen, there's nothing going ..."

"No, no, it's okay, I know there isn't Derek" she said reassuringly. "It wasn't that, but, just seeing you kissing her on the cheek, the way you used to do to me ... it scared me so much. All my feelings for you, the way I couldn't think straight whenever you touched me because you made me so crazy, it all came flooding back. And I got scared because I wasn't sure I could have coped with telling you, and you turning me down ... so I ran. I ran to the place I knew i could be close to you. I know that's selfish. It was me who pushed you away. I have no right to feel that way."

She looked down, trying to build up the courage for what she was about to say.

"Derek? I could live without performing on Broadway again, I really could, but, but the thing I'm not sure I can live without, is you" she whispered, looking up at him."I love you. I miss you. I don't want to spend another day without you. If you tell me there's no chance for us, that, that I'm too late, that there's too much wreckage that we can't fix, then I'll walk away. I won't bother you again, I promise. But ... but if there is a chance for us ..."

She looked down, unable to finish the question, terrified to know the answer.

"Karen? Look at me" he said softly.

The emotion of everything she'd just told him was almost overwhelming. It was all she could do not to cry. She lifted her head to look at him. He was smiling at her, tears in his own eyes. He slowly reached his hand to her face, softly cupping it, stroking her cheek with his thumb. She was trying to stay composed but failing miserably. He moved to trace his fingers down her face, her neck, until he reached her top. He gently began to undo the buttons, revealing the scar where the bullet had gone through her. The emotions, the memories, overcame her, and her tears started to fall freely.

"Derek" she whispered.

"Sssshhhh" he said. He gently moved his fingers over the area the bullet hit, then leant in to softly kiss her scar. "God you're so beautiful Karen."

Karen was struggling to hold it together. She moved to run her fingers through his hair. He lifted his face to look at her, and stroked her cheek again, wiping away her tears. She closed her eyes, savouring his touch. It was then that she felt him move in, placing his lips softly on hers. She softly kissed him back. It was perfect. She eventually pulled away and looked at him. She could see the love pouring out of him.

"So is that a yes?" she laughed through her tears.

He laughed back. "Too bloody right it is. I love you Karen Cartwright. You're the only woman I've ever loved, ever will love. God I've been so hopeless without you, you don't even know. Even when I was mad at you, mad at you for leaving me, it just made me love you even more, if that's possible. I tried, but I couldn't stop loving you. That's how crazy you make me!"

She reached for him this time, taking his face in her hands, pulling him in for another kiss. This one full of urgency, full of passion ... a kiss full of nearly 2 years of emotion, pain, heartache, love, what might have beens and the promise of tomorrow. She didn't want this moment to ever end.

They eventually broke apart, and he pulled her close to him, wrapping himself around her. She rested her head on his chest, Derek softly stroking her hair. It was perfect. They stayed like that for a long while, in contented silence, contemplating their future ... together.

"You know what?" Derek said after a while.

"What?"

"Julia and Tom are teaming up again to do a musical of The Great Gatsby. They've asked me to direct ... you'd make a great Daisy."

Karen laughed, playfully hitting his arm. "So much for easing my way back in!" she joked.

"We'll you are a Tony winner after all. Gotta aim high!"

"Oh God, I totally forgot about that" she groaned. "Probably the least deserved Tony in history. You know, I think my dad polishes that trophy at least once a day!" she laughed.

"No way! People still talk about that performance Karen. It was perfect ... just like you!"

"Oh my god, since when did you get so goddamn cheesy and sentimental Mr Wills" she laughed, untangling herself from him, and moving in to kiss him again.

"The moment I realised Julia was right, and sometimes dreams do come true."

Karen smiled, shaking her head.

"What?!" he laughed

"I was just thinking of all those hundreds of romantic movie marathons Ana and I would have. I never thought I'd star in my own. Ana's gonna love this!" she laughed.

She kissed him again, wrapping her legs around him, straddling him. "Deja vu" she joked, remembering back to the first time she came to his apartment.

"Derek?" she said quietly. "Make love to me."

He smiled. "Karen, we don't have ..."

"I know" she said "but i want to. Will you make love to me?"

"Darling I don't have to be asked twice" he laughed, bundling her off him, before lifting her up to carry her upstairs. He dumped her on the bed, passionately kissing her.

Karen had never felt so fulfilled, so in love. She thought back to everything that had gone before. So many memories. Bittersweet memories. But through everything the one constant was Derek. The man she loved and who loved her back equally. She was grateful for a second chance, and she wasn't ever going to let go of it, or him.

THE END

* * *

**AN: So there you go guys, the end! :( i wanted to keep going but i think the story had reached its natural conclusion, and i couldn't put Karen through anymore more crap, lol! I had to have my happy ending also, I'm a sucker! Sorry it's a long chapter but I didn't really know how to split it. I've loved writing this fic and I hope you've all enjoyed it too. Thanks for reading and all your reviews, they mean a lot. Maybe Josh Safran didn't want Cartwills but in my mind they've always belonged together! :)**


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